Insight

So here I am playing procrastinator trying to avoid doing my homework for two reason. 1. I am tired and I just don't feel like it. 2. I haven't read the chapter so I am not totally sure how to do the assignment. That being said it would be my luck that my professor will decide to collect the assignment in class tomorrow. Instead I am blogging because I know that is productive in helping solve problems one and two. I did feel the need to share some thoughts I have had recently. For some reason the last few weeks have been a series of realizations for me. It's like everything that I thought was a bumfuddled mess has suddenly become clear and I understand why certain things happened they way they did. The first realization is related to dating. Basically what it comes down to is that I just don't care right now. Sure I would love to meet someone great but I realized that I am more concerned about taking care of myself and doing what I want right now. I figure that if I just focus on myself and getting things straight for me then the rest will all fall into place. So far it is working pretty well. I am happy, and I am definitely not stressing about boys. The second realization came to me about a week ago and really involved two things. I was at the church I have been visiting listening to a guest speaker who happened to be one of the theatre graduate from UM and I realized at that moment I was exactly where I was supposed to be. In Austin, at that church, listening to the messages that I need to hear to address issues that I have been having. It was like suddenly everything in my life felt right. I also realized that I have been avoiding church for many reasons but mostly because I was scared that I would repeat the mistake I made with Shawn. Since I met him in church, I think I associated church with meeting men who could potentially be bad for me. Also, I was trying so hard to do things on my own that I forgot that God is there and is not only willing but wants to help me through all this. The final realization was a big one. It came to me some time this weekend when I was watching Hurricane Gustav on the Weather Channel and praying that my family would be OK. The realization that I had was that I never looked back. It has been a year since Shawn and I separated and I will admit there was a moment shortly before the divorce was final that I tried to get him to take me back. But I don't think it was because I wanted him. It was because I didn't want to be alone and I didn't want to be divorced. Once the divorce was final and I moved to Austin, I started a new chapter in my life and I can honestly say there hasn't been a moment when I wanted that old life back. I have always been a firm believer that everything happens for a reason even though we may not know what it is at the moment. Well, I think I now understand why J came into my life for the short period he was there. I really believe that he was a lot of the reason I never looked back. I met him so soon after moving and he was my first friend here. He helped me to see that I still have a lot to offer to someone and that I deserved more than what I got out of my marriage. Do I still hate that things end between us, yes, but I now understand it. I understand that he was only supposed to be there for a short time. That was the way it was meant to be. I understand that I am supposed to take a lesson from that relationship, move on and carry it with me. I hate how things have turned out between us. I hate that we don't talk anymore. I do miss him but I am starting to miss him more for the friendship that we could have had rather than the relationship we did have. I can only hope that one day he will know that I am grateful to him for many things. For helping me to regain confidence in myself. For helping me remember that I am a beautiful person on the inside and the outside. For challenging me to look at life and the world in a new way. But mostly for helping me to move forward and never look back because there truly is more to this life. I know there is no way I could ever share all this with him so I can only hope that by posting it here he might read it one day and know what he meant to me. The best thing about the realizations is that now that I know them, now that the knowledge is there and accepted, I can move on. I can focus on what I want to focus on and become the person I want to become. And boy am I excited about that.