Just Say Julie

I have avoided talking about this topic too much because I was surprised at how much it effected me. My brother called on Good Friday to tell me the news that he had been crossleveled into another National Guard unit that was deploying this summer. I was shocked. I immediately hung up the phone and cried. Shortly after that, I left work to go shopping hoping that would make me feel better. It didn't work. I spent the rest of the weekend feeling like I was in a bubble watching everything go on around me and I wasn't really apart of it. It was hard to process what was about to happen and I didn't fully understand why I was so upset. I had seen Clay deploy twice before under much worse conditions than what he will be going into this time. I had also seen Shawn leave twice. But for some reason, it was always harder for me to see my brother leave than it was to see my husband leave. I have commented before on how far removed my life is now from the military lifestyle

I am having one of those days where my heart hurts. That's about the only way I know to describe it. I am sad. I am not looking for pity, just want to release some feelings. I miss my mom. I miss being home. As much as I love Austin, there are days when I just want to be around my family. I think the fact that Clay is leaving for Iraq again this summer is making it a little harder. He is my link to home here in Texas and with him gone, I will be missing that. There is also the fact that Mother's Day also makes me wonder if I will ever be a mother. I never was certain that I wanted to be a mother. I'm still not but the fact that it might not be an option for me upsets me. I think the biggest thing is that I want the option to still be there and for me to decide if it will happen or not. But as I get older which no real prospects of a serious relationship on the horizon, the more that option seems to be slipping away from me. I know I wouldn't want to have a

My failed attempts at online dating are quickly coming to a close. I decided after a very rude message from a guy from Plenty of Fish that enough was enough. I cancelled all my accounts. Eharmony will remain active until my current payment expires in June. I have been playing this game for nearly two years now and I am done. I have tried Match, Chemistry, Yahoo Personals, OK Cupid, Plenty of Fish, Christian Dating for Free, the Austin Chronicle Personals, and eHarmony at some point in time over the last 20 months. I have only had one relationship that last more than a month from the selection of people I met through these sites. I think some of the issue is my own insecurities while some of it is the way we come across online which leads me to the topic of this post. I realize that the intent of sites like eHarmony is to match you with someone you would be compatible with personality wise. They try to take looks out of the equation. But let's be honest. While a good person