Monday, February 23, 2009
I have been thinking a lot about my life and what I want out of my next relationship recently. I look around at everything I have and have accomplished since my divorce and I have to say that I am quite proud of myself. I have come so much further than I ever would have imagined I could on my own. I love my house. I like my life for the most part (we all have our moments) and work is good. I have often questioned how I handle everything if I found the one tomorrow. Where would we live? Whose furniture would we use? Would I be willing to share my closet? How would Maverick react to a new human in his life? I know these aren't questions I have to answer right away but they are thoughts that I have. Life isn't like it was when I was getting married the first time. I was at a point where I was willing to give up everything to be with the man I thought I loved. I am not so sure I would be as willing now. The truth is I still believe I found the one for me but for whatever reason it wasn't meant to be. I was fully prepared to spend my life with J and make the compromises necessary for that life to happen. So I can't figure out why I am not so sure anymore. Is it because I haven't found the one (or at least he isn't on the horizon yet) or is it that I have changed so much that my priorities are different? I'm not sure. The more I think about it the more I know I am scared of making the same mistake over again and marrying a man for the wrong reasons. I just want to be sure this time. Which leads me to another thought...Wally would have been a mistake. I truly enjoy his company and believe he is someone I could be great friends with. However, I think my desire to have someone got in the way of that realization. There are too many things about him that I am not comfortable with and that only leaves me realizing that I didn't want it to end more because I didn't want to be rejected again rather than believing he was the right person for me. I have a strong desire to feel wanted because of the lack of feeling that in my marriage. I tend to freak when I don't feel that way even if the person is all wrong for me. So there is my self-reflection for the time being. Believe it or not, I am actually pretty happy with the way things are right now. I am enjoying that I am getting to live life for me for a little while. That doesn't mean I don't look forward to sharing it with someone else soon though.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
I have never liked Valentine's Day. It has always been a reminder to me that I am unlucky in love because I am typically alone on this holiday for lovers. In high school, I would watch my friends walk around with balloons, teddy bears, and flowers from their boyfriends. My roommate and I actually sent flowers to ourselves on Valentine's Day my sophomore year because we wanted the other girls in the dorm to think we had actually gotten something. While I was married, I spent most of my Valentine's Days alone thanks to the Army. So now that I am divorced it is only worse because not only am I alone and reminded that I am unlucky in love but also I am reminded of my failures. Last year I was dumped right before Valentine's Day. This year there are no prospects on the horizon. Every time I open the newspaper or turn on the TV, I am greeted by ads for chocolates and gifts and flowers and reservations for dinner. What I wouldn't give to have someone surprise me with a wonderful Valentine's Day. I know that won't happen but one can dream. If only Maverick could figure out how to send flowers...