Monday, January 19, 2009

Tell It Like It Is

Some days you read something that just smacks you across the face and makes you wake up. My horoscope today is a great example.

"You could reach creative heights today, but you'll need to channel your emotions in a positive direction, instead of allowing them to pull you into a swamp of complications. If you try to hold on to an old feeling or a worn-out habit, you'll only get bogged down in the mire. But if you are willing to let go of the past, then anything is possible. The choice is in your hands."

I have recently reconnected with someone from my past and I am allowing all the old hurt to control my emotions. Instead of trying to relax and let things happen, I am trying to force it again. I need to stop. I need to just let it be. We enjoy each other's company so I need to appreciate that. There is no need for me to rush anything but it is my instinct for some reason. It doesn't help that I am really feeling sorry for myself right now. I am letting all the bad things in life get me down instead of being optimistic about what the future might hold. So how do I let go and let the past be the past?

Thursday, January 15, 2009


Right before I met Wally this summer, he was lucky enough to go to China to help film a documentary on the Paralympics. His stories from the trip and of the people he met were fascinating and inspiring to me, making me want to learn more about the athletes who competed in the games. So when I saw the listing on NBC for their special on the games I recorded it to make sure I wouldn't miss any of it. The people featured are truly amazing and their families are also amazing and I couldn't help but soak up their stories. One story in particular spoke to me. It was the story of an 18 year old swimmer named Marin Morrison. Marin was diagnosed with brain cancer at the age of 15. Prior to that she was only seconds away from being able to qualify for the Olympic trials. Hearing her story and listening to her father talk about how grateful he was to still have her in his life brought me to tears. I decided to do some more research on this young lady and discovered her website. I have visited the site many times since I watched the special in November and I am sad to report that this courageous young lady is no longer with us, having succumbed to cancer just after the first of this year. I couldn't figure out what it was about her story that touched me so much until I visited her page today and the picture that greeted me caught me off guard. Marin bore a striking resemblance to my friend, Jessica, from college who died this past year from breast cancer. It is sad to hear stories of people dying so young from such a terrible disease but their strength encourages me. Listening to the struggles they have gone through really puts my problems in perspective. No longer does my lack of romantic partnership or stress over finances seem so important. I am alive and healthy and therefore I am blessed. Having said that I want to share another story with you of a couple who is currently facing this battle. The husband of a woman I attended high school with was diagnosed with lymphoma right before Thanksgiving and started chemo just after Christmas. They are both blogging about this from the patient's perspective and the spouse's perspective. I encourage you to check in on their reports and to be inspired by the optimism they are showing in the face of adversity. It has definitely allowed me to see someone I once knew in a whole new light and to gain a new level of respect for them. God speed, Stuart. I have faith that you will beat this.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

How True It Is

I will not even pretend that I am a closet Bachelor fan. I love to watch the show. I soak up every second and make fun of the girls (and guys) every chance I get. I read the blogs. (Don't know what I am talking about, check out Lincee Ray and Chris Harrison.) I can't help it. So much of the show is so fake and staged you can't help but watch it like passing a car accident on the highway just to see what ABC will come up with next. However, there was a moment in the season premiere last week that actually hit a little too close to home for me. As you know, they always interview the girls who didn't receive a rose at the end of the night. One of the lovely ladies (and by lovely I mean drunk) was going on about about how she thought she had met the man of dreams (and all this after a few hours of hanging out with him and 24 of her "closest" female friends.) But then she spoke the words that made me sit up and take notice. "How am I supposed to believe that I am so great when all the guys I try to start a life with tell me the opposite?" I couldn't believe it. She had just summed up my entire dating history in one sentence. I have never been lucky in love. Since I started dating at age 15, I have gone long stretches of time without a boyfriend or even a prospect on the horizon or I have been in relationships that only left me longing for more. I have been envious of my friends who got it right the first time while I am still trying to figure out how I made such an error with my marriage. I see couples who are so much in love you can tell it the instant you meet them and I wonder if I will ever know what that feels like. I wonder if I even know what true love is. I am tired of being told you will just know because I thought I knew a couple of times before and now I just look back and wonder what I was thinking. I guess I still want to know when it will be my turn. When will I meet the man that will love me eternally and completely? Sixteen years later I would have thought I would have the answers by now.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Random Thoughts for the Day

I don't have anything interesting to report but I do have a few random thoughts I thought I would share.

- I love sitting on the couch on a Sunday morning with a cup of coffee reading the newspaper.

- Sometimes my dog is so cute. When I open the plantation blinds in the living room, Maverick will put his paws on the window sill outside and look in at me. It is one of the most adorable things I have ever seen.

- Sometimes my dog can be so annoying like when he tries to steal the blanket covering my legs.

- Sandra Lee on the Food Network annoys me. The premise of her show, Semi-Homemade, is great but I can't watch it because I can't stand her.

- I really wish I had someone to cook for. I love to cook and I am constantly finding great recipes I want to try. However, most of them are too much to fix for just me and require more effort than I want to make for a one person meal.

- The weather in Texas kills me. Yesterday it was 80 degrees and I was running the AC. Today it is 40 and the heat is back on. It's no wonder my sinuses suck!

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Resolutions 2009

I am not really one for resolutions so I don't know that these are really resolutions. They are more goals although they aren't really measurable. I am just going to do everything with in my power to make 2009 great. So here you go:

1. I am going to take better care of myself. This included mentally, emotionally, and physically. That means eating better and exercising more. That means not getting into relationships that are bad for me both with guys and with friends. That means focusing on the positive and not letting myself get lost in my loneliness.

2. I am going to be fiscally more responsible. It took me a while to get used to have a single source of income again. In my mind I was still as comfortable financially as I was when I was married so I spent more than I should have. I am going to stick to a tighter budget this year and I am even looking into taking on a secondary tax prep job during tax season.

I think these are fairly reasonable goals to accomplish. I am not sure how I will be able to judge my progress but I will know. I am entering this year without the same issues and entanglements I had at the beginning of 2008. As selfish as it sounds, its all about me now. I can't wait to see what 2009 has in store.