Sunday, November 8, 2009

Anniversaries

I got a call from my mom yesterday to check and see if I was doing OK. I wasn't quite sure why she was asking and then I realized she had gotten the days wrong in a way. Friday was the two year anniversary of my divorce being finalized while today would have been my 6th wedding anniversary. So her asking on the day in between the two wasn't entirely off. Truth is I am fine. I have been fine with it for a long time. These dates don't bother me anymore. They are just any other day in my life that just so happened to be the same day that something significant happened in the past. But the past is the past and my life has been all about moving on since then. In some ways this year is a little different than last year in that I know Shawn is getting married again. And while that is a little weird, it doesn't bother me as much as I thought it would. It just really solidifies what I knew all along which was that he married me because it was time to get married not because he wanted to marry me. Instead, I sit here grateful that I have the life now. That wouldn't have been possible without marrying and divorcing him.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Gathering My Thoughts

I am lost in thought today. I have spent the last two weeks getting to know someone new and, for the first time, getting the same back in return. He actually wants to get to know me, the real me, not the facade I put up when I want to be accepted. He read this entire blog. He listened to me pour my heart out about everything that has happened over the last few years. We have talked about marriage and divorce and what we want from each other. He used the phrase "uncertain comfort" last night and knew exactly what he meant. I am comfortable with him. I feel like we get each other in a way no one has before. I even told him he was the male equivalent of me. But it has been 2 weeks and the realistic side of me tells me there is no way this could be real. Not yet at least. Am I being cynical? I have been hurt before by people who led me to believe they got me. But for once, it all feels true. I don't see empty promises. Only raw honesty. My heart aches when I am not around him. The smile never leaves my face when I think about him.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Moving On

As should come to no surprise to anyone, I never did get the phone call for drinks on Tuesday and that was perfectly fine with me. I didn't expect him to actually follow through with the plans especially since he was never good at that in the first place. The only disappointment I have is not being able to tell him to leave me alone. However, it will be easy for me to get rid of him the next time he tries to contact me. You see, dear readers, I have finally met someone who might actually be worth it. I am breaking so many of the unwritten rules I had set for myself but it's OK. Truth is I have tried to write about this 3 times now and I don't know how to put down what I am thinking and feeling at this moment. I think I am almost afraid to put it out there for fear that posting it will suddenly make it untrue. I just know it is different and I am happy, really happy, for the first time in a long time. I can't wait to see what will happen next.