February: The Month of Sick

I posted at the beginning of February that January had been a rough month for us.  We had a lot of major expenses come up which left us feeling like we couldn't get ahead.  I was optimistic that things would get better in February but I guess I was wrong.  If January was the month of broke, February was the month of sick.  Jackson and I both spent Valentine's Day at the doctor's office getting treated for sinus infections.  A week later I got the dreaded call from daycare that they thought he had picked up the stomach bug that was going around.  I was hoping he would miss it since he was just coming off antibiotics but no such luck.  Sure enough, four days later I was on my death bed followed by Chris two days later.  Apparently this bug hit adults worse than it hit the kids.  We were both down for a full day while J was over his before we even picked him up (early) from daycare.  All-in-all, I ended up taking 4 days of sick time over the shortest month of the year.  Not good.

And just when I thought February couldn't get any worse, especially on the sick front, I got news that still has me shocked.  My mom had been having stomach troubles since she had returned from Texas for Blake's birthday.  The doctor convinced her to get some further testing done (not an easy feat with my mom) and they determined she has lymphoma. The news is hitting us pretty hard and now we are quickly moving to the world of a family with a member battling cancer.  This is not a position I ever expected to be in but here we are waiting for the next course of action.  So to say that February was not an improvement over January is an understatement.  Will March be better or will this year continue to be my year of suck?

February Photos: The End

So I really did try to make it through the whole month taking pictures but then life got in the way and it just didn't happen.  Here are the last couple of pictures I took before I put the (cell phone) camera away for the month.  I decided not to participate in the March Photo A Day challenge since I just can't wrap my brain around it right now.

Day 20: Handwriting

I am not a fan of my own handwriting.  I don't know why but I never have been.  I think it's because my mom and my brothers have nice handwriting and I think mine sucks in comparison. 

Day 21: A Fave Photo of You

I have always loved this picture.  It was taken the first year I danced can can at Wild West Night for the Officers' Wives Club at Fort Hood.  

The Things I Cannot Say

As bloggers, we often talk amongst ourselves about those topics we cannot write about. Everyone one of us has a subject or subjects that are off limits for a variety of reasons. It could be work, in-laws, a top secret military family member. Many in the community of bloggers create an unsearchable space to place the thoughts associated with those topics. And others, such as myself, just keep those thoughts to ourselves because of the fear that there is no true secret space on the Internet.

But we don't often talk about the things we cannot say. These aren't the subjects that are off limits. These are thoughts in our minds that we can't write because of the emotion behind them. The words we won't say for fear of making true.

This is what I am dealing with right now. I have a lot I want to say and a lot I need to say but can't. Not here, not anywhere. I am afraid that I will lose it if I open my mouth and pour my heart out. It seems my silence is the only thing allowing me to hold it together right now. So forgive me if I am quiet for a while. I don't mean to be. I'm just not ready to say everything I want to say.

February Photos Week 3

Day 13: Blue

There is lots of blue in my house.  Wonder Bug is just one of the many things that has taken over my living room that is bright, bold blue.

Day 14: Heart

Of course the heart on Jackson's Valentine's bib is the heart I decided to use to represent the day of love. 

Day 15: Phone

Yes, I used my office phone.  Yes, I suck. Sorry...it was easy and I was still sick. 

Day 16: Something New

The elephant humidifier for Jackson's room purchased to help my poor baby's sinus issues he so luckily inherited from me and his dad. 

Day 17: Time

A clock in my living room was that was given to me as a wedding gift (the first time). I love this little clock. 

Day 18: Drink

My sangria swirl margarita at lunch at La Margarita during a date with my hubby.  We don't get time alone often enough.

Day 19: Something You Hate to Do

I can't think of any household chore that I really like to do but folding and putting up laundry is one I just can never seem to find time for. This hamper has been here for at least 2 weeks.

It Struck a Chord

It is no secret to those who have known me for a while that there was a time not that long ago when I didn't want children. I didn't think I had the maternal instinct and I just couldn't see myself with kids. We used to joke in college that I was going to be the favorite "aunt" of my closest friends' children. Ironically, I am the only one of us with a child now.

One of the things that worked with my first husband was that he felt the same way about having children as I did. Towards the end of our marriage, my thoughts on the subject were beginning to change and that added to the problems between is. Ultimately, I realized it wasn't that I didn't want kids but that I didn't want them with him. Getting divorced at 30 led me to believe I wouldn't have a chance for motherhood. Chris even told me once that he believed I would be happy whether or not I had a baby but I knew in my heart of hearts I really wanted to experience it. I am glad that changed and that I have Jackson now.

However, I am sure there are those who were surprised when I announced my pregnancy. I know it was hard for my sister-in-law to hear I was pregnant after she had been trying for years with no luck and I had spent that time proclaiming my lack of desire for a baby. She told me once she wanted
us to be pregnant together. In the end, that was true for a short period of time.

I do not believe for a moment my sister-in-law or any of my friends would hold my past feelings of my head. Things change and people change. So imagine my surprise when my aunt mocked me this weekend about my past lack of desire for children as I shared stories about Jackson with her. To say it hurt would be a bit of an understatement.

This evening I was watching Grey's Anatomy from last week. One of the story lines revolves around a couple on the edge of a divorce. The underlying issue was the wife's lack of desire for children which led to her having an abortion. The husband just couldn't understand how she could possibly not want kids. I just wanted to scream at the tv. I got it because I had been there. I knew what it was like to not have that desire and to have people think there was something wrong with you because you felt that way. And here I am now living proof that people can change. I wouldn't trade my baby for the world but please don't mock me because I once had a different opinion on the subject.

Valentine's Day in Pictures

Chris and I aren't big on Valentine's Day so we decided to go the low key route this year.  That ended up being a good thing since Jackson and I were both sick with sinus infections. (What is it with us and sick on the holidays this year?)

I walked into the room and Chris had left my gift with Trevor so I added his to bed so we could open them at the same time.

I decided to dial in dinner since I felt so bad and opted for the Heart Baker pizza from Papa Murphy's.  We got one of these on our first Valentine's together so I think I am going to make a tradition from now on instead of going out to a fancy dinner. 

Mom got Jackson this sweet bib for his first Valentine's Day so I had to make sure I sent him to school in it despite the fact he was a snotty mess. (No fever though.) 

Here is Jackson's Valentine's to us.  I just love the tiny footprints at the bottom. And I love that our daycare makes sure to send home something we can keep for years to come. 

Jackson's haul. I mean what 6, almost 7, month old doesn't need a ton of treats and cards on his first Valentine's Day. Personally, I was a tad shocked when they handed us the list of classmates to bring cards in for.  Fortunately, we had extras of Sean's cards to send with J.

My sweet Valentine. Despite not feeling well, he still looked adorable.

February Photos Week 2

Day 6: Dinner

 Crunchy Beef Casserole, mixed vegetables, and a Dr. Pepper of course.

Day 7: Button

The button on J's play mat. This one gets pressed a lot and the music tortures me because I will get it stuck in my head all day long.

Day 8: Sun

I didn't really see the sun all day since my building has no windows so I opted for something sun related. I did get a good view of the setting sun as I was doing 75 around the flyover to the toll road on my way home from work.

 Day 9: Front Door

The inside of my front door.  The other side is red, crimson red, of course.  One of the things I loved about this house when I bought it.

 Day 10: Self Portrait

A typical look from me: bored at work and ready to go home.

Day 11: Makes You Happy

I was heading to Babies R Us for formula and diapers when I saw this sign for the World Market two doors down.  How could I resist.  Mama needs some wine!

Day 12: Inside Your Closet

What? Everyone doesn't have have a safe and gun belt in their closet?