Anniversaries

I got a call from my mom yesterday to check and see if I was doing OK. I wasn't quite sure why she was asking and then I realized she had gotten the days wrong in a way. Friday was the two year anniversary of my divorce being finalized while today would have been my 6th wedding anniversary. So her asking on the day in between the two wasn't entirely off. Truth is I am fine. I have been fine with it for a long time. These dates don't bother me anymore. They are just any other day in my life that just so happened to be the same day that something significant happened in the past. But the past is the past and my life has been all about moving on since then. In some ways this year is a little different than last year in that I know Shawn is getting married again. And while that is a little weird, it doesn't bother me as much as I thought it would. It just really solidifies what I knew all along which was that he married me because it was time to get married not because he wanted to marry me. Instead, I sit here grateful that I have the life now. That wouldn't have been possible without marrying and divorcing him.

Gathering My Thoughts

I am lost in thought today. I have spent the last two weeks getting to know someone new and, for the first time, getting the same back in return. He actually wants to get to know me, the real me, not the facade I put up when I want to be accepted. He read this entire blog. He listened to me pour my heart out about everything that has happened over the last few years. We have talked about marriage and divorce and what we want from each other. He used the phrase "uncertain comfort" last night and knew exactly what he meant. I am comfortable with him. I feel like we get each other in a way no one has before. I even told him he was the male equivalent of me. But it has been 2 weeks and the realistic side of me tells me there is no way this could be real. Not yet at least. Am I being cynical? I have been hurt before by people who led me to believe they got me. But for once, it all feels true. I don't see empty promises. Only raw honesty. My heart aches when I am not around him. The smile never leaves my face when I think about him.

Moving On

As should come to no surprise to anyone, I never did get the phone call for drinks on Tuesday and that was perfectly fine with me. I didn't expect him to actually follow through with the plans especially since he was never good at that in the first place. The only disappointment I have is not being able to tell him to leave me alone. However, it will be easy for me to get rid of him the next time he tries to contact me. You see, dear readers, I have finally met someone who might actually be worth it. I am breaking so many of the unwritten rules I had set for myself but it's OK. Truth is I have tried to write about this 3 times now and I don't know how to put down what I am thinking and feeling at this moment. I think I am almost afraid to put it out there for fear that posting it will suddenly make it untrue. I just know it is different and I am happy, really happy, for the first time in a long time. I can't wait to see what will happen next.

Some Things Just Never Die

Why is it that there are some people in your life who never leave when you want them to and some that never stay? A certain person from my past has reappeared after months of no contact. I finally thought I was rid of him without having to give him the Go to Hell speech I had prepared. But no, Saturday night while I was enjoying Alabama's win over South Carolina that name popped up on a text message. All I wanted to say was what do you want and why won't you leave me alone. Instead I agreed to a drink on Tuesday night. I don't know why. I don't having any feelings for this guy anymore. I think it has to do with the loneliness and lack of romantic interest in recent months. The thing is this guy is bad for me for so many reasons and I have no desire to go back there. He makes me feel so worthless and bad about myself and I have been through this same song and dance with him too many times before. Why would I consider going back for more? The truth is that I am not. I feel sorry for him. I used to be fascinated by him and the lifestyle he led but then I realized he is really just a bitter, unhappy person and it is not my job to try to make him happy. So I will have a drink on Tuesday night (that is if he actually calls to finalize plans) and I will ask him why he wanted to see me and tell him thanks but no thanks. I have moved on. I am not the same person I was when he met me a year ago and for that reason I know there is nothing between us. We want different things and it is time for him to move on as well. Now let's just hope that I have to courage and strength to actually do what I know is the right thing for me for a change.

My Cloak of Invisibility

In the Harry Potter movies, Harry has a cloak that belonged to his father that allows him to be invisible. At some point in time in my marriage, I think I unintentionally donned an invisibility cloak. I believe I did certain things to make my husband notice me only to still feel ignored. This is an issue I continue to struggle with in my (nonexistent) dating. The crazy thing is I only realized it recently. I knew that one of the issues with my ex was the lack of attention I felt I was getting from him. What I didn't realize is that I am still starving for that attention. I had thought about it a lot but I hadn't really faced it dead on until a couple of weeks ago when I poured my heart out to my hairdresser. (How is it we can talk to people we barely know about things like this but not to our closest friends?) I haven't been on a date in a year and I know the reason is because I can't take anymore disappointment in that area my life. I use the excuse that I am too busy or that I am trying not to focus on that right now. But truth be told all I want is for someone to pick me up and take me to a nice dinner. That is where the invisible feelings come in. I feel like guys don't notice me anymore. Maybe I just don't realize it but I would be happy to have someone flirt with me for a little while at this point. I am just trying to figure out how I lost site of the person I once was and remember that girl and how happy she used to be.

In other news, my ex is engaged. I am not sure how I feel about that except that it is weird. And that is frankly all I can say about that right now.

Changes

There are a lot of changes going on in Maverickville. First of I got a new job. Now before you get all excited let me tell you that I am only marginally happy with said new job. Shortly after turning in my notice at my old job, I had one of those pit of the stomach feelings of dread about making the change. I am not one who ignores these types of feelings so I promptly spoke with my boss only to find out that I was doing my company a favor by leaving because upcoming money issues could potentially mean a layoff. So there I was stuck with the decision I had made to take a job that I questioned even taking in the first place. While I realize I should be grateful these days that I was given an opportunity to move to a new position, I am very overwhelmed and concerned after my first week that my premonition was correct. We shall see how this turns out but so far I am not liking it.

Secondly, I start back to school next week. I have mentioned before my quest to become a CPA and I have been frustrated by the lack of opportunities around me complete the course work necessary to take the exam. Well, I finally broke down and did something I wasn't sure I wanted to do. I contacted the University of Phoenix. So far I am impressed with the setup and the programs they offer and can't understand why I didn't do this sooner. This time next year I will have my second masters degree and will be studying for the exam.

Third, I started Weight Watchers at work (I don't dislike everything about the new place) this past week. I am in serious need of some waistline reduction since the majority of the waistbands in my closet are too tight. This summer has not been great for me and watching what I eat. I have traveled a couple of times and had my parents visit. That all amounts to a lot of eating out. I hope to drop about 30 pounds overall but I will be happy to get back down under 150 again and make my 10% goal weight.

As you can see, there is a lot going on here. Changing jobs was a big deal for me because that job was the reason I moved to Austin instead of heading back to Alabama after Shawn and I separated. There were a lot of big lifestyle changes associated with that position for me. To be honest, I am not happy with a lot of things in my life right now and I am taking steps to try to change that. Hopefully I will have better news to report soon.

Building the Wall

I have spent most of my life thinking I was a pretty open person. I have even been told that I am "an open book." But something happened recently that made me realize that I am not as open as I once was. I was at a party for the 4th of July with a friend from work and her boyfriend when I noticed one of the guys at the party. I thought he was attractive, and was hoping there would be a chance for some interest there. And that's when the crazy thing happened. As soon as the guy started to flirt with me, I shut down. I didn't want anything to do with him anymore. I made my friend take me home. The next day I tried to figure out what made me react that way. It didn't have anything to do with Mr. Past who still hasn't made an effort to contact me. That I am over and only want to talk to him to have the opportunity to tell him so. It was all about me and my fear of getting close and getting hurt again. I also realized I had been doing this for months. Every time a guy from one of the dating sites would show enough interest to move past casual emails, I would flake and find some reason not to like the guy and discontinue contact. That is why I deleted all my profiles. It wasn't worth the money to not meet anyone I actually wanted to meet. I realize I have to open to idea that I might get hurt again in order to find someone to love me. I am just so scared that my heart won't be able to handle being rejected again.