Sunday, October 18, 2009

Some Things Just Never Die

Why is it that there are some people in your life who never leave when you want them to and some that never stay? A certain person from my past has reappeared after months of no contact. I finally thought I was rid of him without having to give him the Go to Hell speech I had prepared. But no, Saturday night while I was enjoying Alabama's win over South Carolina that name popped up on a text message. All I wanted to say was what do you want and why won't you leave me alone. Instead I agreed to a drink on Tuesday night. I don't know why. I don't having any feelings for this guy anymore. I think it has to do with the loneliness and lack of romantic interest in recent months. The thing is this guy is bad for me for so many reasons and I have no desire to go back there. He makes me feel so worthless and bad about myself and I have been through this same song and dance with him too many times before. Why would I consider going back for more? The truth is that I am not. I feel sorry for him. I used to be fascinated by him and the lifestyle he led but then I realized he is really just a bitter, unhappy person and it is not my job to try to make him happy. So I will have a drink on Tuesday night (that is if he actually calls to finalize plans) and I will ask him why he wanted to see me and tell him thanks but no thanks. I have moved on. I am not the same person I was when he met me a year ago and for that reason I know there is nothing between us. We want different things and it is time for him to move on as well. Now let's just hope that I have to courage and strength to actually do what I know is the right thing for me for a change.

Monday, October 5, 2009

My Cloak of Invisibility

In the Harry Potter movies, Harry has a cloak that belonged to his father that allows him to be invisible. At some point in time in my marriage, I think I unintentionally donned an invisibility cloak. I believe I did certain things to make my husband notice me only to still feel ignored. This is an issue I continue to struggle with in my (nonexistent) dating. The crazy thing is I only realized it recently. I knew that one of the issues with my ex was the lack of attention I felt I was getting from him. What I didn't realize is that I am still starving for that attention. I had thought about it a lot but I hadn't really faced it dead on until a couple of weeks ago when I poured my heart out to my hairdresser. (How is it we can talk to people we barely know about things like this but not to our closest friends?) I haven't been on a date in a year and I know the reason is because I can't take anymore disappointment in that area my life. I use the excuse that I am too busy or that I am trying not to focus on that right now. But truth be told all I want is for someone to pick me up and take me to a nice dinner. That is where the invisible feelings come in. I feel like guys don't notice me anymore. Maybe I just don't realize it but I would be happy to have someone flirt with me for a little while at this point. I am just trying to figure out how I lost site of the person I once was and remember that girl and how happy she used to be.

In other news, my ex is engaged. I am not sure how I feel about that except that it is weird. And that is frankly all I can say about that right now.