Sunday, November 30, 2008

The Song Remains the Same

Even though I have had my fill of family recently and they have the tendency to drive me crazy, I was feeling a tad meloncholy on Friday after Momma, Daddy, and Carol left. Some how when I am in these moods, music always speaks to me. It touches something inside me and relates in a way nothing else can. The right song at the right moment can totally lift my spirits. This was definitely the case on Friday. I had three songs come up that fit the bill and fixed my mood.

The first song wasn't so much the song as the title. A song called "Still Haunted". I have never heard it. I don't know who it is by but the title said everything. In so many ways I am still haunted. Haunted by the memories of J. We met this time last year and my mind is constantly flooded with memories of our time together. There isn't a longing associated with these memories anymore. More a nostalgia. A thought to how much things have changed for me in the past year. I am also haunted by thoughts of Wally. I want answers from him. I want to know why he disappeared. I don't think I could have done anything differently with him. He wasn't ready and I know that wasn't my fault. Still it bothers me when others try to place the blame on me because I must have done or said something wrong. I know I will never get the answers I want from him but that doesn't change the fact that I want them.

The second song was "Brand New Day" by Joshua Radin. I love him and I totally love this song. There is a line in the song that says, "It's a brand new day. For the first time in such a long, long time, I know I'll be OK." That line couldn't have said it any better. I realized in my session with Dena on Tuesday that I am really to this point now. I'm OK with everything. I'm OK with being single. I'm OK with being divorced. I have a pretty good life. I can't complain. I am happier than I was when I was married. I am happy with just being me and doing things for me. It's a great feeling. Dena described me as being comfortable in my own skin and said it was great to see me that and that is exactly how I feel.

In order to shake my melancoly, I decided to fight the Black Friday crowds and run some errands. I ended up at the Domain, a high end shopping center near my office, just to walk around and be out of the house. And there it was, wafting through the air, "The Waltz of the Flowers" from the Nutcracker. That did it right there. My spirits lifted and the Christmas mood hit. I couldn't wait to get home and get the decorations out. I have tickets to see the Nutcracker in a few weeks and I can't wait. Last year I couldn't get in the Christmas mood. I guess it was the idea of being alone again and facing the holidays alone. This year I am excited about all the Christmas events I can and will attend. I love this time of year. I love the atmosphere in the air and the feeling that all is right with the world.

So there I stand...optimistic about what is to come and no longer sad about what has gone. It's a good place to be. I feel confident about what the new year holds for me. I just can't wait for it to unfold.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Meme

Tagged by Ra

The rules? Answer the following questions in one word and then pass it on to seven others.

Where is your cell phone? kitchen
Where is your significant other? nonexistent
Your hair color? brown
Your mother? kind
Your father? quiet
Your favorite thing? Maverick
Your dream last night? work
Your dream/goal? accomplished
The room you’re in? office
Your hobby? scrapbooking
Your fear? death
Where do you want to be in 6 years? remarried
Where were you last night? play
What you’re not? skinny
One of your wish-list items? money
Where you grew up? mobile
Last thing you did? print
What are you wearing? grubbies
Your TV? HD
Your pet? loud
Your computer? Dell

Your mood? determined
Missing someone? always
Your car? 4Runner
Something you’re not wearing? contacts
Favorite store? Ikea
Your summer? hot
Love someone? hopefully
Your favorite color? purple
When is the last time you laughed? yesterday
Last time you cried? weeks

Tag your it: Gina, Hope, Grayson

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

My Series of Unfortunate Events

I have been writing this blog in my head since last night. This blog came from a series of events that while not at all related have made for an interesting 24-hour period for me. It started with posts from two of my fellow divorce club bloggers about how to handling their exes moving on. In their cases, they were referring to their ex-husbands. For me, I am fortunate that while the thought of Shawn getting married again seems weird, it doesn't bother me. My thought is more power to the poor soul who ends up with him. I know what life with him was like and I don't wish that on my worst enemy. I know he is dating someone in his hometown which I think is great since she is probably more what he was looking for in the first place. What I do have to deal with is the guys I have dated post divorce moving on which brings up event #2 that also happened last night. I came across a picture of J and his new girlfriend at a party. While James wasted no time finding someone else to date within a month of us breaking up, J was a different story. When he said he needed time to himself, he wasn't lying. However he has been dating his current girlfriend since at least June. (Isn't it amazing what you can find on the internet these days.) I can't decide if I should be insulted or laugh when I see the pictures of the two of them together. While this may sound conceited, I feel (and my friends have said) that I am far more attractive than the girls that both James and J have replaced me with. While I wish them both happiness (well, maybe not totally if we are honest here), I wonder what I am doing wrong given that I have not been able to have a successful relationship since my divorce. I don't think I am asking to much in what I want from a man but apparently it comes across that way. I didn't realize that wanting someone to call me and show me attention was asking too much.

Event #3 happened this afternoon after I had my laser hair removal treatment. The clinic (if you call it that) is located next to my favorite sushi restaurant so I decided to head there for dinner after my appointment. Well, I finished my appointment shortly after 5 and Tomo didn't open until 5:30 so I needed to find a way to kill some time. Remembering that there was a Walgreen's nearby, I headed there to stroll around and pick up a few random items (chocolate included). You know how when you stop looking for something or expecting to see it that's exactly when you do. Well, I had one of those moments today. J used to look for Dell gift cards every time we went to the store because his team at work had been responsible for developing the product and we could never seem to find them. That got me in the habit of looking for them when I was shopping with the hope that I would come across one so I could take a picture of it and send it to him. I don't really know when I stopped looking for them but the thought hadn't crossed my mind in a while. After a conversation today with my brother about Christmas and birthday presents for my family, I decided to check out the gift card mall at Walgreen's to see if they had any of the ones we were looking for. And there it was...the Dell gift card. I couldn't help but smile. A year later and there are still reminders of him all around me. I didn't take a picture of it because I knew he wouldn't care but the fact that I finally found one and have that information in my head made it all the better.

So I headed back to Tomo a little forlorn and indulged myself in two fabulous sushi rolls while sitting at the bar. It's always nice to sit at the bar there because the chefs are there to talk to you when you are busy. I can't figure out of the chef who made my rolls was flirting with me or not but he didn't seem to want me to leave when I was heading out the door. Of course the three glasses of wine I consumed made me a tad flirty as well. I just wasn't wanting to go home to my empty house tonight. Another night alone didn't sound appealing to me at all. So it was nice to have someone to talk to. Of course the question came up when I said no one was waiting for me at home..."What, is your husband not home?" It still seems strange to think that I don't have a husband anymore. It's a good thing I know it's for the best.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

New Computer Ramblings

I bought a new desktop a few weeks ago and I finally got around to setting it up this weekend. I forgot how much easier it could be to type on a regular keyboard rather than my laptop. I have also been undertaking the huge task of organizing my office. The office has been the catch all room since I moved. Some of the boxes in here are ones I packed when Shawn moved out to separate our stuff so I hadn't seen their contents in more than a year. I came across a Valentine's card from Nanny that was probably one of the last cards she sent me before she died two and a half years ago. It's amazing how something so simple can make you hurt so much. I guess Memommie's death still has me kind of tender in the heart. There are still a few boxes that need to be sorted and reorganized but I made a lot of progress. I think Maverick is enjoying me hanging out in his room with him. He lays at my feet while I work on the computer. Truth be told I probably like his company more than he likes mine. Still nothing from the Rocker Jerk (Wally's new nickname) not that I expected to hear anything from him. I do wish eHarmony and the other dating websites would let you post comments on people's profiles when you have a bad experience like this. That way you can warn others to avoid someone so they can't pull the same stunt with another person. I wonder what sort of comments he would have had already if that was a feature they allowed.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

What a Difference a Week Makes

This time last week I was packing to head home for the second time in as many weeks for Memommie's funeral. I had spent the better portion of the day with Wally and I was waiting for him to finish uploading his footage from the night before so he could come over for a while. I now know that was all a lie. Some time over the course of the weekend he deleted me from his Facebook friends list and blocked me on AOL Instant Messenger. Why, you might ask? Wouldn't I love to know. However, I don't because I haven't heard anything from him since he dropped me off at my car last Saturday night. No returned phone calls, no explanation of why he choose to end our relationship. I realized all this while I was getting ready to go to my grandmother's wake. As if I wasn't dealing with an emotional time already, add being blown off by the guy you were supposedly dating. I have run the gammit of emotions since Monday. First, hurt closely followed by confusion. I am now on to anger. I cannot believe that a 35 year old man would be so immature. That he wouldn't have the courage to tell me the truth. While the truth might upset me at first, I can handle it and I will get over it much easier if you at least have the consideration and respect to do that for me. This by far tops the list of the terrible things guys have done to me. Yes, it replaces the guy who broke up with me the night before my birthday. I realize that he was not a man I could really see myself spending eternity with but it doesn't disappoint me any less. It is never easy to be rejected for any reason. It is even harder when you don't know what that reason is. I have decided that I am going to go back to focusing on me and not worry about men for a while. I was better off when I was doing that before I met Wally. I will definitely be better off doing it again now.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Memommie

I had barely gotten my suitcase unpacked from my business trip to Alabama last week when I got the call from my mom that we had been expecting for years. My grandmother, Memommie, had passed away. Memommie had been suffering from Alzheimer's disease for more than 20 years. She had been having a hard time the last couple of weeks and the time had finally come for her to go home. After processing the information, I started making the necessary preparations to head back home. Clay, my brother, and I boarded a plane back to Mobile Sunday afternoon. The next three days were a blur of visiting my aunt who was my grandmother's caretaker, attending the wake and funeral, and a constant stream of friends and neighbors calling and bringing by food. When my plane finally touched down in Austin this afternoon, I was completely exhausted. I never expected Memommie's death would be so hard. I felt like I had processed losing her years ago after watching her mind and body deteriorate . However, it felt like I was losing her all over again. I will say that the funeral was a fitting tribute to her life including both laughter and tears as my uncle gave a beautiful eulogy to the life of his mother. I was reminded once again how lucky I was to have both Memommie and Nanny in my life. My two grandmothers were both wonderful examples of strength and facing life through adversity. I was truly blessed to have them in my life.