Sunday, November 30, 2008
The first song wasn't so much the song as the title. A song called "Still Haunted". I have never heard it. I don't know who it is by but the title said everything. In so many ways I am still haunted. Haunted by the memories of J. We met this time last year and my mind is constantly flooded with memories of our time together. There isn't a longing associated with these memories anymore. More a nostalgia. A thought to how much things have changed for me in the past year. I am also haunted by thoughts of Wally. I want answers from him. I want to know why he disappeared. I don't think I could have done anything differently with him. He wasn't ready and I know that wasn't my fault. Still it bothers me when others try to place the blame on me because I must have done or said something wrong. I know I will never get the answers I want from him but that doesn't change the fact that I want them.
The second song was "Brand New Day" by Joshua Radin. I love him and I totally love this song. There is a line in the song that says, "It's a brand new day. For the first time in such a long, long time, I know I'll be OK." That line couldn't have said it any better. I realized in my session with Dena on Tuesday that I am really to this point now. I'm OK with everything. I'm OK with being single. I'm OK with being divorced. I have a pretty good life. I can't complain. I am happier than I was when I was married. I am happy with just being me and doing things for me. It's a great feeling. Dena described me as being comfortable in my own skin and said it was great to see me that and that is exactly how I feel.
In order to shake my melancoly, I decided to fight the Black Friday crowds and run some errands. I ended up at the Domain, a high end shopping center near my office, just to walk around and be out of the house. And there it was, wafting through the air, "The Waltz of the Flowers" from the Nutcracker. That did it right there. My spirits lifted and the Christmas mood hit. I couldn't wait to get home and get the decorations out. I have tickets to see the Nutcracker in a few weeks and I can't wait. Last year I couldn't get in the Christmas mood. I guess it was the idea of being alone again and facing the holidays alone. This year I am excited about all the Christmas events I can and will attend. I love this time of year. I love the atmosphere in the air and the feeling that all is right with the world.
So there I stand...optimistic about what is to come and no longer sad about what has gone. It's a good place to be. I feel confident about what the new year holds for me. I just can't wait for it to unfold.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Tagged by Ra
The rules? Answer the following questions in one word and then pass it on to
Where is your cell phone? kitchen
Where is your significant other? nonexistent
Your hair color? brown
Your mother? kind
Your father? quiet
Your favorite thing? Maverick
Your dream last night? work
Your dream/goal? accomplished
The room you’re in? office
Your hobby? scrapbooking
Your fear? death
Where do you want to be in 6 years? remarried
Where were you last night? play
What you’re not? skinny
One of your wish-list items? money
Where you grew up? mobile
Last thing you did? print
What are you wearing? grubbies
Your TV? HD
Your pet? loud
Your computer? Dell
Your mood? determined
Missing someone? always
Your car? 4Runner
Something you’re not wearing? contacts
Favorite store? Ikea
Your summer? hot
Love someone? hopefully
Your favorite color? purple
When is the last time you laughed? yesterday
Last time you cried? weeks
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Event #3 happened this afternoon after I had my laser hair removal treatment. The clinic (if you call it that) is located next to my favorite sushi restaurant so I decided to head there for dinner after my appointment. Well, I finished my appointment shortly after 5 and Tomo didn't open until 5:30 so I needed to find a way to kill some time. Remembering that there was a Walgreen's nearby, I headed there to stroll around and pick up a few random items (chocolate included). You know how when you stop looking for something or expecting to see it that's exactly when you do. Well, I had one of those moments today. J used to look for Dell gift cards every time we went to the store because his team at work had been responsible for developing the product and we could never seem to find them. That got me in the habit of looking for them when I was shopping with the hope that I would come across one so I could take a picture of it and send it to him. I don't really know when I stopped looking for them but the thought hadn't crossed my mind in a while. After a conversation today with my brother about Christmas and birthday presents for my family, I decided to check out the gift card mall at Walgreen's to see if they had any of the ones we were looking for. And there it was...the Dell gift card. I couldn't help but smile. A year later and there are still reminders of him all around me. I didn't take a picture of it because I knew he wouldn't care but the fact that I finally found one and have that information in my head made it all the better.
So I headed back to Tomo a little forlorn and indulged myself in two fabulous sushi rolls while sitting at the bar. It's always nice to sit at the bar there because the chefs are there to talk to you when you are busy. I can't figure out of the chef who made my rolls was flirting with me or not but he didn't seem to want me to leave when I was heading out the door. Of course the three glasses of wine I consumed made me a tad flirty as well. I just wasn't wanting to go home to my empty house tonight. Another night alone didn't sound appealing to me at all. So it was nice to have someone to talk to. Of course the question came up when I said no one was waiting for me at home..."What, is your husband not home?" It still seems strange to think that I don't have a husband anymore. It's a good thing I know it's for the best.