Sunday, December 20, 2009

O Christmas Tree

I love Christmas! It is my favorite time of the year. There is just something in the air that makes Christmas wonderful to me. I love the lights and the music and the traditions. I don't know why I love it so much because I am exhausted with all the activities this time of year but I do. That being said, I haven't put up a Christmas tree in 4 years since I moved from Alabama to Texas. The first year Shawn was deployed and I was going home so I didn't see the point. The next year Shawn didn't want to fool with it. The next year I had just moved to my apartment in Austin and there was literally no room for a tree. Last year I just didn't get around to it. So this year I thought I would have some fun with Kiddo and the Sheriff and put up my tree. I didn't realize what a trying experience that was going to be. I thought I had thoroughly cleaned the ornament boxes of all the "married" Christmas items. I was wrong. First thing out of the box was an ornament Mom had purchased for me when we saw the Radio City Rockettes last year. After showing the ornament to the boys, I attempted to put it back in its package only to flip it over onto the tile floor and shatter the snow globe top. There was glass everywhere and that just set the tone for the evening. Then I kept finding ornaments from my married days, ones purchased on our honeymoon or sent to me from various Iraqi War tours. Things I did not want to find. We managed to get the tree up and about 15 ornaments on the tree and that was as far as we got. Since then, I haven't had the energy or desire to finish the tree. Baby steps I guess. Next year will be different.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Anniversaries

I got a call from my mom yesterday to check and see if I was doing OK. I wasn't quite sure why she was asking and then I realized she had gotten the days wrong in a way. Friday was the two year anniversary of my divorce being finalized while today would have been my 6th wedding anniversary. So her asking on the day in between the two wasn't entirely off. Truth is I am fine. I have been fine with it for a long time. These dates don't bother me anymore. They are just any other day in my life that just so happened to be the same day that something significant happened in the past. But the past is the past and my life has been all about moving on since then. In some ways this year is a little different than last year in that I know Shawn is getting married again. And while that is a little weird, it doesn't bother me as much as I thought it would. It just really solidifies what I knew all along which was that he married me because it was time to get married not because he wanted to marry me. Instead, I sit here grateful that I have the life now. That wouldn't have been possible without marrying and divorcing him.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Gathering My Thoughts

I am lost in thought today. I have spent the last two weeks getting to know someone new and, for the first time, getting the same back in return. He actually wants to get to know me, the real me, not the facade I put up when I want to be accepted. He read this entire blog. He listened to me pour my heart out about everything that has happened over the last few years. We have talked about marriage and divorce and what we want from each other. He used the phrase "uncertain comfort" last night and knew exactly what he meant. I am comfortable with him. I feel like we get each other in a way no one has before. I even told him he was the male equivalent of me. But it has been 2 weeks and the realistic side of me tells me there is no way this could be real. Not yet at least. Am I being cynical? I have been hurt before by people who led me to believe they got me. But for once, it all feels true. I don't see empty promises. Only raw honesty. My heart aches when I am not around him. The smile never leaves my face when I think about him.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Moving On

As should come to no surprise to anyone, I never did get the phone call for drinks on Tuesday and that was perfectly fine with me. I didn't expect him to actually follow through with the plans especially since he was never good at that in the first place. The only disappointment I have is not being able to tell him to leave me alone. However, it will be easy for me to get rid of him the next time he tries to contact me. You see, dear readers, I have finally met someone who might actually be worth it. I am breaking so many of the unwritten rules I had set for myself but it's OK. Truth is I have tried to write about this 3 times now and I don't know how to put down what I am thinking and feeling at this moment. I think I am almost afraid to put it out there for fear that posting it will suddenly make it untrue. I just know it is different and I am happy, really happy, for the first time in a long time. I can't wait to see what will happen next.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Some Things Just Never Die

Why is it that there are some people in your life who never leave when you want them to and some that never stay? A certain person from my past has reappeared after months of no contact. I finally thought I was rid of him without having to give him the Go to Hell speech I had prepared. But no, Saturday night while I was enjoying Alabama's win over South Carolina that name popped up on a text message. All I wanted to say was what do you want and why won't you leave me alone. Instead I agreed to a drink on Tuesday night. I don't know why. I don't having any feelings for this guy anymore. I think it has to do with the loneliness and lack of romantic interest in recent months. The thing is this guy is bad for me for so many reasons and I have no desire to go back there. He makes me feel so worthless and bad about myself and I have been through this same song and dance with him too many times before. Why would I consider going back for more? The truth is that I am not. I feel sorry for him. I used to be fascinated by him and the lifestyle he led but then I realized he is really just a bitter, unhappy person and it is not my job to try to make him happy. So I will have a drink on Tuesday night (that is if he actually calls to finalize plans) and I will ask him why he wanted to see me and tell him thanks but no thanks. I have moved on. I am not the same person I was when he met me a year ago and for that reason I know there is nothing between us. We want different things and it is time for him to move on as well. Now let's just hope that I have to courage and strength to actually do what I know is the right thing for me for a change.

Monday, October 5, 2009

My Cloak of Invisibility

In the Harry Potter movies, Harry has a cloak that belonged to his father that allows him to be invisible. At some point in time in my marriage, I think I unintentionally donned an invisibility cloak. I believe I did certain things to make my husband notice me only to still feel ignored. This is an issue I continue to struggle with in my (nonexistent) dating. The crazy thing is I only realized it recently. I knew that one of the issues with my ex was the lack of attention I felt I was getting from him. What I didn't realize is that I am still starving for that attention. I had thought about it a lot but I hadn't really faced it dead on until a couple of weeks ago when I poured my heart out to my hairdresser. (How is it we can talk to people we barely know about things like this but not to our closest friends?) I haven't been on a date in a year and I know the reason is because I can't take anymore disappointment in that area my life. I use the excuse that I am too busy or that I am trying not to focus on that right now. But truth be told all I want is for someone to pick me up and take me to a nice dinner. That is where the invisible feelings come in. I feel like guys don't notice me anymore. Maybe I just don't realize it but I would be happy to have someone flirt with me for a little while at this point. I am just trying to figure out how I lost site of the person I once was and remember that girl and how happy she used to be.

In other news, my ex is engaged. I am not sure how I feel about that except that it is weird. And that is frankly all I can say about that right now.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Changes

There are a lot of changes going on in Maverickville. First of I got a new job. Now before you get all excited let me tell you that I am only marginally happy with said new job. Shortly after turning in my notice at my old job, I had one of those pit of the stomach feelings of dread about making the change. I am not one who ignores these types of feelings so I promptly spoke with my boss only to find out that I was doing my company a favor by leaving because upcoming money issues could potentially mean a layoff. So there I was stuck with the decision I had made to take a job that I questioned even taking in the first place. While I realize I should be grateful these days that I was given an opportunity to move to a new position, I am very overwhelmed and concerned after my first week that my premonition was correct. We shall see how this turns out but so far I am not liking it.

Secondly, I start back to school next week. I have mentioned before my quest to become a CPA and I have been frustrated by the lack of opportunities around me complete the course work necessary to take the exam. Well, I finally broke down and did something I wasn't sure I wanted to do. I contacted the University of Phoenix. So far I am impressed with the setup and the programs they offer and can't understand why I didn't do this sooner. This time next year I will have my second masters degree and will be studying for the exam.

Third, I started Weight Watchers at work (I don't dislike everything about the new place) this past week. I am in serious need of some waistline reduction since the majority of the waistbands in my closet are too tight. This summer has not been great for me and watching what I eat. I have traveled a couple of times and had my parents visit. That all amounts to a lot of eating out. I hope to drop about 30 pounds overall but I will be happy to get back down under 150 again and make my 10% goal weight.

As you can see, there is a lot going on here. Changing jobs was a big deal for me because that job was the reason I moved to Austin instead of heading back to Alabama after Shawn and I separated. There were a lot of big lifestyle changes associated with that position for me. To be honest, I am not happy with a lot of things in my life right now and I am taking steps to try to change that. Hopefully I will have better news to report soon.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Building the Wall

I have spent most of my life thinking I was a pretty open person. I have even been told that I am "an open book." But something happened recently that made me realize that I am not as open as I once was. I was at a party for the 4th of July with a friend from work and her boyfriend when I noticed one of the guys at the party. I thought he was attractive, and was hoping there would be a chance for some interest there. And that's when the crazy thing happened. As soon as the guy started to flirt with me, I shut down. I didn't want anything to do with him anymore. I made my friend take me home. The next day I tried to figure out what made me react that way. It didn't have anything to do with Mr. Past who still hasn't made an effort to contact me. That I am over and only want to talk to him to have the opportunity to tell him so. It was all about me and my fear of getting close and getting hurt again. I also realized I had been doing this for months. Every time a guy from one of the dating sites would show enough interest to move past casual emails, I would flake and find some reason not to like the guy and discontinue contact. That is why I deleted all my profiles. It wasn't worth the money to not meet anyone I actually wanted to meet. I realize I have to open to idea that I might get hurt again in order to find someone to love me. I am just so scared that my heart won't be able to handle being rejected again.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Getting What I Want

I have been thinking a lot recently about what I want out of a relationship. This train of thought started a couple of months ago when someone from my past reappeared in my life with promises of a future. I began to question whether or not I wanted that person back in my life. The main question I could not (and still can't) answer was whether or not that person could be and do the things I want in a relationship. I started to realize that the only way to truly know the answer to that question was to figure out what exactly I am looking for. So here, dear readers, is a list of my criteria for achieving the ideal relationship:

1. Mostly importantly the person needs to be emotionally ready and opened to the idea of a relationship. That means no recent or pending divorces or breakups.


2. The person needs to be willing to provide me with an adequate amount of attention. This could include phone calls, text messages, emails, instant messages or even Facebook posts. Anything that let's me know you are interested and thinking of me. But there is also that fine line between enough attention and too much attention.


3. Someone who is willing to include me in their life. I don't expect or want to spend every waking moment together but it would nice to know when you have other plans or when we might get to see each other. Also meeting their friends is another way to include me in their life. I would like to think the friends have at least heard the person is seeing someone.

Obviously this is just a start. I do intend to compile a more complete list in the future. And to answer the question, no, the person from the past does not meet any of these criteria. What I don't know is if he is capable of meeting these if really given the opportunity. I might not ever know the answer to that one.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Port Aransas

After several crazy weeks of proposals at work, I was finally able to make my escape from the office and from Austin to head to the beach for a couple of days. Jenny and I left Friday morning for Port Aransas after I dropped Maverick off at Doggy Day Out for the weekend. Four hours later, we were sitting in Virginia's by the Bay eating fresh seafood and looking out over the water. That night we took a stroll on the beach and then relaxed in the condo until bedtime. After sleeping in Saturday morning, we loaded up our stuff and head to the beach from some fun in the sun. Here is my view from Saturday morning:
So we enjoyed the sun, sand and water for a couple of hours before I realized that I was turning pink and it was time to head in. More relaxing in the condo and another late afternoon walk on the beach rounded out the day. Sunday morning meant checking out of the condo to head back home. At that point the last thing I wanted to do was drive back to Austin, so we decided to head to Corpus Christi and take a tour of the USS Lexington.
Seeing the ship and comparing it to the USS Alabama at home was pretty neat except for the fact it was blazing hot. I do believe Jenny and I sweated off 5 pounds during the tour. Thank goodness they sell Icees on board to help cool you off. I also scraped my sunburned leg on one of the metal steps while climbing a ladder and screamed bloody murder. I do believe that hurt more than I could have possibly imagined. All in all it was a great trip. I needed a couple of days to take my mind off of the real world and just relax.

New Look

I hope everyone is enjoying the new look of Just Say Julie. If you would like a cute and fun background, you should check out The Cutest Blog on the Block. They have tons of cute, free layouts that work perfectly with blogger. I had a hard time chosing one and I suspect I will change them out to spice things up a bit.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Memorial Day

I have avoided talking about this topic too much because I was surprised at how much it effected me. My brother called on Good Friday to tell me the news that he had been crossleveled into another National Guard unit that was deploying this summer. I was shocked. I immediately hung up the phone and cried. Shortly after that, I left work to go shopping hoping that would make me feel better. It didn't work. I spent the rest of the weekend feeling like I was in a bubble watching everything go on around me and I wasn't really apart of it. It was hard to process what was about to happen and I didn't fully understand why I was so upset. I had seen Clay deploy twice before under much worse conditions than what he will be going into this time. I had also seen Shawn leave twice. But for some reason, it was always harder for me to see my brother leave than it was to see my husband leave. I have commented before on how far removed my life is now from the military lifestyle I led two years ago. So all I can figure is that I never expected to be faced with another deployment, even as the sister of a soldier, and it brought back a lot of feelings I wasn't prepared for.

I am proud of my brother. He didn't have to join the guard once he left active duty. He is currently going through pre-deployment training that will wrap up at the end of this week. Next month he will spend some time at Fort Hood for some more training before officially activating in July. The current plan is for his unit to head to the sand box some time in August. Now that I have time to process all of this, I am doing everything I can to be there for him and his wife. I know how hard it is to be the one left behind so I want to make sure Jenny has the support she needs.

So on this Memorial Day, make sure you thank a soldier. Also thank that soldier's family. Trust me when I say it will mean a lot to them.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Mother's Day

I am having one of those days where my heart hurts. That's about the only way I know to describe it. I am sad. I am not looking for pity, just want to release some feelings. I miss my mom. I miss being home. As much as I love Austin, there are days when I just want to be around my family. I think the fact that Clay is leaving for Iraq again this summer is making it a little harder. He is my link to home here in Texas and with him gone, I will be missing that.

There is also the fact that Mother's Day also makes me wonder if I will ever be a mother. I never was certain that I wanted to be a mother. I'm still not but the fact that it might not be an option for me upsets me. I think the biggest thing is that I want the option to still be there and for me to decide if it will happen or not. But as I get older which no real prospects of a serious relationship on the horizon, the more that option seems to be slipping away from me. I know I wouldn't want to have a child alone so that isn't even an option I would consider.

Sorry for the melancholy mood but I just need to get a few things off my chest.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

My View of Your World

My failed attempts at online dating are quickly coming to a close. I decided after a very rude message from a guy from Plenty of Fish that enough was enough. I cancelled all my accounts. Eharmony will remain active until my current payment expires in June. I have been playing this game for nearly two years now and I am done. I have tried Match, Chemistry, Yahoo Personals, OK Cupid, Plenty of Fish, Christian Dating for Free, the Austin Chronicle Personals, and eHarmony at some point in time over the last 20 months. I have only had one relationship that last more than a month from the selection of people I met through these sites. I think some of the issue is my own insecurities while some of it is the way we come across online which leads me to the topic of this post. I realize that the intent of sites like eHarmony is to match you with someone you would be compatible with personality wise. They try to take looks out of the equation. But let's be honest. While a good personality can make someone more attractive and vice versa, that is not something you will be able to discover through a website. So naturally the first thing you do is look at someone's pictures to see if there is an initial attraction before you try to determine if their personality might be a fit for your's. I am guilty of this and I am sure others have judged me the same way. That being said someone's pictures they post on a personals ad can also reveal a lot about their personality. Here is my take on the variety of pictures I have stumbled across:
  1. Posting a picture of your house: I am not dating your house. I am dating you. I will be more concerned about what your place of residence looks like after I meet you and that is more to see if you live in filth or not. To me that just screams materialistic and that you are trying to show off.
  2. Posting a picture of your motorcycle/vehicle: Once again, I am looking to date you not your vehicle. I don't care what kind of car you drive as long as it is clean. Unless you want to date a biker chick, I don't understand motorcycle pictures at all. That doesn't impress me and only tells me what you will be spending your free time doing.
  3. Posting group pictures: It is fine to have a group picture or two on your profile but please identify which one you are in the picture. I don't want to look at a picture and try to figure out who is who. You never know, I might end up attracted to your hot friend standing next to you.
  4. Posting partial pictures: No matter how good you are with photoshop or cropping, you can always tell when someone has been cut out of a picture. I understand it might be your last girlfriend or ex-wife and that it's a great picture of you. But I am sure you have another one that doesn't include someone else. Please post that instead. I actually saw a picture once where the guy didn't even bother to crop out his family. He just whited out the faces of his ex-wife and two kids and posted it like that.
  5. Posting pictures with other women: Make sure you identify the women in the picture that you have your arm around. Is it your sister, your cousin, your best friend? Inquiring minds want to know. I don't want to be left guessing the status of that picture or wondering why you even posted it at all. Was it to show that you can be nice to women?
  6. Posting non-flattering pictures of yourself: Are you serious about trying to meet someone? How about a smile every once in a while? If your picture looks like a mugshot, I am going to wonder why you went to jail. Also I am looking for someone with a good personality to go along with looks. If I don't find you attractive in your photos, I am not going to interested in connecting with you.
  7. Posting pictures of yourself from various locations: So you have gotten to travel a lot. Good for you. I don't know what it is that bugs me about these pictures so much but I kind of feeling like you are trying to brag or show off. Am I envious that you have gotten to go all these cool places? Sure. Do I want to see the pictures before we meet? Not really. Save those stories for when we are talking and you can share those experiences with me.
So there you have it. My do's and don'ts for personal ad picture posting. I am trying a little experiment with my eHarmony profile since it will be cancelled soon and opened the matches up to the United States. I figured it couldn't hurt to broaden my horizons a bit and see if I had better luck. If nothing else, I should have a few more entertaining stories to share.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Ways to Turn Me Off

I have learned a few things in my latest attempt at the online dating world. I decided to check out Plenty of Fish after hearing some others talk about the site. And much like my last experience with a free dating site, I found that the quality of men was not the greatest. My biggest lesson learned in this process would be the many things a man can do to turn me off. Here are a few examples:
  1. Spend our entire first telephone conversation talking about how much pot you like to smoke.
  2. Call me at 2:30 in the morning because I haven't returned your text from the previous day.
  3. Tell me you are no longer interested because I was on the phone with my mother when you called and it was too late to return your call.
  4. Become extremely clingy after a couple of instant messenger chats.
  5. Post comments referencing me in Facebook quizzes when we haven't even met.
Needless to say, I canceled my Plenty of Fish membership a week after I setup the profile.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Quotes for the Day

Because I just think they are too funny not to share, I have a couple more quotes from my online dating emails that are worth the laugh.

  • "im looking for a good hearted woman i can get to know i am a nice easy going guy that does landscaping for a living if you are interested just send a reply back"
Yet again a grown man who cannot use puncuation.  The only thing I would seriously be interested in would be the landscaping work.  I need the bushes in my front yard replaced.

  • "How are you doing today? You are amazingly attractive. You must drive all the guys on here crazy. Check out my profile and let me know if you might consider getting together and fooling around..."
Wow, he thinks I am attractive.  Great!  He was hot but...um...NO! I do not want to get together and fool around.  If I was just looking to fool around, I would go to the closest bar and get drunk. 

Thursday, April 16, 2009

There are Plenty of Fish in the Sea

The online dating community exists to create harmonious matches that will hopefully lead to marriage. This has not been my experience. However, it has been a great source of amusement and entertainment for me. So today I am sharing with you some of the gems I have received recently. Also, revisit this gem from my past for a good laugh.
  • good eving how are you my names trony im 27 about to be 28 never married or had abny kids im intersted in getting to know more about you and starting from friends i like the out doors things like that playing pool i work fulltime as wrecker driver in n austin i love my job helping people in trouble any how if yopu would like to talk drop me aline

I am so glad that trony decided to get in touch with me and show me not only his inability to spell but also to form a sentence and use punctuation.

  • So supposedly, whatever criteria go into matching people up on this site thinks that I like ugly people...so I'm going through all these pics of uglies and I see your pic. I'm like...hey, she's not ugly, she couldn't possible be...(dramatic pause) A MATCH! I don't know what they mean by "a match," but I thought it might be worth checking out...after all, we're on plenty of fish for a reason, right?

I guess I am supposed to be flattered that he doesn't think I am ugly but I am still not exactly sure what I make of his email. I mean seriously why would you say all this. It's unnecessary.


  • So you are a Crimson Tide..does that mean we gonna be fighting coz im a die hard longhorn.

First off, I am not going to fight with you for rooting for another football team unless it is Auburn or Tennessee. Secondly, we are adults. Can we talk like it and refrain from using juvenile language?


  • hollarrrrr
    hey hey
    at my cousins house and living with aunt and uncle until.....
    just moved here last sat. i'm having a blast and I love everything..
    here in austin
    my profile from the lake home is still real until, i sell it.
    lets get in touch, if you're fun or funny...if not, i promise to make you laugh!

This email was written by a 40 year old man. I don't think I need to say anymore than that.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

My Beauty Product List and a Request

A couple of my friends have posted lists of beauty products they love on their blogs. I wanted to do the same only I couldn't come up with a top 10 list because when it comes down to it there just aren't a lot of products I am passionate about. To be honest, I didn't expect this to be so hard for me because I love beauty products. I know I spend a small fortune each year on cleansers, creams, and makeup but it is because I am constantly on the search for what is going to work best for me. I am still searching for the perfect foundation that provides just the right amount of coverage and lasts throughout a day at work and the perfect cleanser to help my 30-something breakouts. I am not great about sticking to a routine either. It is no big deal for me to go to bed without washing my face and I rarely if ever use moisturizer or eye cream. So on that note I am going to post my 5 most loved products (in no particular order) and ask (no, beg) for more suggestions on products to check out.

1. Aveda Hand Relief Lotion
I was originally given a sample size tube of this lotion after a massage at an Aveda salon and I was hooked instantly on how wonderful it was. Now I am not a huge lotion wearer and I am not a big fan of heavily scented lotions because I don't like smelling them on my hands later in the day but this lotion I love. It is thick without being greasy and the scent is pleasant but not overwhelming. I keep a big tube in my bathroom at home and a small tube in my purse (airport friendly) because I always apply lotion after washing my hands to remove that just washed driness feeling.

2. Chapstick 100% Naturals Lip Butter

I don't even remember the original reason I picked this product up in the store the first time. I think it was because of the lavender color on the label. But whatever the reason, I am glad I did. This chapstick moisturizes my lips without leaving that waxy feeling behind. I alway have a tube in my purse and I think you can find 2 or 3 tubes in various locations around my house. I loved this stuff so much that I gave it to my co-workers as part of their Christmas gift this year (along with a small tube of the Aveeno Hand Relief and some other goodies).

3. Clarins One-Step Gentle Exfoliating Cleanser

I decided to try this product after seeing it on the Clarins website and it just seemed too good to be true. This cleanser truly is gentle enough to use every day and is one of the few cleansers I have found that I still love after more than a couple of months. It smells great and really does a good job of leaving my face feeling clean and smooth.

4. Aveeno Baby Calming Comfort Lotion


Now I know the first thing you are thinking is that I don't have any children so how could I know anything about baby products. That is true. I don't know if this product is any good for babies. I just know it does wonders for the dry skin on my heels and feet. I typically apply this before going to bed at night and wake up with soft skin in the mornings. My sister-in-law introduced me to this product because she liked it for the same reasons I do. It isn't greasy and the scent is lovely. Plus it works.

5. Hello Flawless Custom Powder Cover up with SPF 15


This is my newest find and I am beginning to wonder how I functioned without it. After a recent facial, I ran in Sephora to apply some makeup so I didn't look like death warmed over. I decided to try Hello Flawless thinking there was no way a powder would work to even my skintone. I was wrong. So I purchased it still thinking that it couldn't possibly last long enough to make it through an entire day. Again, I was wrong. This powder has pleasantly surprised me in many ways. I love the coverage it provides and because it is a powder, it feels like you are wearing nothing. I still can't believe that it lasts as well as it does. I have spent a fortune on foundations in the past that made me look like I haven't even applied makeup an hour after I put it on. This stuff is great.

So there you have it. A few of my favorite products that you will always find laying around my house or in my purse. Now it is your turn...what should I try? Also, if you love any of the products I have listed above or if you try them as well, let me know.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Lonely Hearts Club

I was searching for an email in my sent items folder at work today when I came across something that caught me off guard: tons of emails between myself and J that basically chronicled our entire relationship. It reminded me of how we use to write back and forth all day sharing the mundane details of our day or trying to decide what our dinner plans were for the evening. There were also the emails from the stupid fight over the baby gate which led to J ceasing all contact with me. It was all there much to my surprise since I thought I deleted those emails 9 months ago as part of the process to try to move on and purge J from my life, my mind, and my heart. And there I sat, reading all of them. Soaking up every word. Remembering every detail. Reminiscing about how happy I had been and how happy we were and how confused I still am about why it all ended. Realizing more and more that I am still heartbroken and still in love with a man who doesn’t want me to be part of his life.
I have never been through a breakup before that was as hard or as painful as this one. The mere thought of him still brings me to my knees. I believed when he said he need time to process his feelings over his divorce. Imagine my surprise when he was in a relationship again a mere 4 months after our breakup. I should have expected that though because J is a serial monogamist. I was, after all, the 3 person he had dated in the 6 months between his separation and divorce. Still it rocked me to the core to know he had moved on so quickly when, a year later, I can still barely get through a day without thinking about him. Was I that easy to forget? Had I not meant as much to him as he had meant to me? I can’t imagine how I would react if I knew he was engaged or worse, married. Yet, I wonder if he ever thinks about me or misses me. Is it possible that there is still a place for us in this world and that the timing was just bad? A girl can dream. I still hope for my movie moment and long for the opportunity to feel what I once felt again. But for now all I can do is try to move on and try to pretend it doesn’t hurt anymore because the reality is that he isn’t there anymore and all I have is some old emails hidden away in my sent items folder at work.

Monday, February 23, 2009

The Single Life

I have been thinking a lot about my life and what I want out of my next relationship recently. I look around at everything I have and have accomplished since my divorce and I have to say that I am quite proud of myself. I have come so much further than I ever would have imagined I could on my own. I love my house. I like my life for the most part (we all have our moments) and work is good. I have often questioned how I handle everything if I found the one tomorrow. Where would we live? Whose furniture would we use? Would I be willing to share my closet? How would Maverick react to a new human in his life? I know these aren't questions I have to answer right away but they are thoughts that I have. Life isn't like it was when I was getting married the first time. I was at a point where I was willing to give up everything to be with the man I thought I loved. I am not so sure I would be as willing now. The truth is I still believe I found the one for me but for whatever reason it wasn't meant to be. I was fully prepared to spend my life with J and make the compromises necessary for that life to happen. So I can't figure out why I am not so sure anymore. Is it because I haven't found the one (or at least he isn't on the horizon yet) or is it that I have changed so much that my priorities are different? I'm not sure. The more I think about it the more I know I am scared of making the same mistake over again and marrying a man for the wrong reasons. I just want to be sure this time. Which leads me to another thought...Wally would have been a mistake. I truly enjoy his company and believe he is someone I could be great friends with. However, I think my desire to have someone got in the way of that realization. There are too many things about him that I am not comfortable with and that only leaves me realizing that I didn't want it to end more because I didn't want to be rejected again rather than believing he was the right person for me. I have a strong desire to feel wanted because of the lack of feeling that in my marriage. I tend to freak when I don't feel that way even if the person is all wrong for me. So there is my self-reflection for the time being. Believe it or not, I am actually pretty happy with the way things are right now. I am enjoying that I am getting to live life for me for a little while. That doesn't mean I don't look forward to sharing it with someone else soon though.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Valentine's Day

I have never liked Valentine's Day. It has always been a reminder to me that I am unlucky in love because I am typically alone on this holiday for lovers. In high school, I would watch my friends walk around with balloons, teddy bears, and flowers from their boyfriends. My roommate and I actually sent flowers to ourselves on Valentine's Day my sophomore year because we wanted the other girls in the dorm to think we had actually gotten something. While I was married, I spent most of my Valentine's Days alone thanks to the Army. So now that I am divorced it is only worse because not only am I alone and reminded that I am unlucky in love but also I am reminded of my failures. Last year I was dumped right before Valentine's Day. This year there are no prospects on the horizon. Every time I open the newspaper or turn on the TV, I am greeted by ads for chocolates and gifts and flowers and reservations for dinner. What I wouldn't give to have someone surprise me with a wonderful Valentine's Day. I know that won't happen but one can dream. If only Maverick could figure out how to send flowers...

Monday, January 19, 2009

Tell It Like It Is

Some days you read something that just smacks you across the face and makes you wake up. My horoscope today is a great example.

"You could reach creative heights today, but you'll need to channel your emotions in a positive direction, instead of allowing them to pull you into a swamp of complications. If you try to hold on to an old feeling or a worn-out habit, you'll only get bogged down in the mire. But if you are willing to let go of the past, then anything is possible. The choice is in your hands."

I have recently reconnected with someone from my past and I am allowing all the old hurt to control my emotions. Instead of trying to relax and let things happen, I am trying to force it again. I need to stop. I need to just let it be. We enjoy each other's company so I need to appreciate that. There is no need for me to rush anything but it is my instinct for some reason. It doesn't help that I am really feeling sorry for myself right now. I am letting all the bad things in life get me down instead of being optimistic about what the future might hold. So how do I let go and let the past be the past?

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Inspiring

Right before I met Wally this summer, he was lucky enough to go to China to help film a documentary on the Paralympics. His stories from the trip and of the people he met were fascinating and inspiring to me, making me want to learn more about the athletes who competed in the games. So when I saw the listing on NBC for their special on the games I recorded it to make sure I wouldn't miss any of it. The people featured are truly amazing and their families are also amazing and I couldn't help but soak up their stories. One story in particular spoke to me. It was the story of an 18 year old swimmer named Marin Morrison. Marin was diagnosed with brain cancer at the age of 15. Prior to that she was only seconds away from being able to qualify for the Olympic trials. Hearing her story and listening to her father talk about how grateful he was to still have her in his life brought me to tears. I decided to do some more research on this young lady and discovered her website. I have visited the site many times since I watched the special in November and I am sad to report that this courageous young lady is no longer with us, having succumbed to cancer just after the first of this year. I couldn't figure out what it was about her story that touched me so much until I visited her page today and the picture that greeted me caught me off guard. Marin bore a striking resemblance to my friend, Jessica, from college who died this past year from breast cancer. It is sad to hear stories of people dying so young from such a terrible disease but their strength encourages me. Listening to the struggles they have gone through really puts my problems in perspective. No longer does my lack of romantic partnership or stress over finances seem so important. I am alive and healthy and therefore I am blessed. Having said that I want to share another story with you of a couple who is currently facing this battle. The husband of a woman I attended high school with was diagnosed with lymphoma right before Thanksgiving and started chemo just after Christmas. They are both blogging about this from the patient's perspective and the spouse's perspective. I encourage you to check in on their reports and to be inspired by the optimism they are showing in the face of adversity. It has definitely allowed me to see someone I once knew in a whole new light and to gain a new level of respect for them. God speed, Stuart. I have faith that you will beat this.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

How True It Is

I will not even pretend that I am a closet Bachelor fan. I love to watch the show. I soak up every second and make fun of the girls (and guys) every chance I get. I read the blogs. (Don't know what I am talking about, check out Lincee Ray and Chris Harrison.) I can't help it. So much of the show is so fake and staged you can't help but watch it like passing a car accident on the highway just to see what ABC will come up with next. However, there was a moment in the season premiere last week that actually hit a little too close to home for me. As you know, they always interview the girls who didn't receive a rose at the end of the night. One of the lovely ladies (and by lovely I mean drunk) was going on about about how she thought she had met the man of dreams (and all this after a few hours of hanging out with him and 24 of her "closest" female friends.) But then she spoke the words that made me sit up and take notice. "How am I supposed to believe that I am so great when all the guys I try to start a life with tell me the opposite?" I couldn't believe it. She had just summed up my entire dating history in one sentence. I have never been lucky in love. Since I started dating at age 15, I have gone long stretches of time without a boyfriend or even a prospect on the horizon or I have been in relationships that only left me longing for more. I have been envious of my friends who got it right the first time while I am still trying to figure out how I made such an error with my marriage. I see couples who are so much in love you can tell it the instant you meet them and I wonder if I will ever know what that feels like. I wonder if I even know what true love is. I am tired of being told you will just know because I thought I knew a couple of times before and now I just look back and wonder what I was thinking. I guess I still want to know when it will be my turn. When will I meet the man that will love me eternally and completely? Sixteen years later I would have thought I would have the answers by now.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Random Thoughts for the Day

I don't have anything interesting to report but I do have a few random thoughts I thought I would share.

- I love sitting on the couch on a Sunday morning with a cup of coffee reading the newspaper.

- Sometimes my dog is so cute. When I open the plantation blinds in the living room, Maverick will put his paws on the window sill outside and look in at me. It is one of the most adorable things I have ever seen.

- Sometimes my dog can be so annoying like when he tries to steal the blanket covering my legs.

- Sandra Lee on the Food Network annoys me. The premise of her show, Semi-Homemade, is great but I can't watch it because I can't stand her.

- I really wish I had someone to cook for. I love to cook and I am constantly finding great recipes I want to try. However, most of them are too much to fix for just me and require more effort than I want to make for a one person meal.

- The weather in Texas kills me. Yesterday it was 80 degrees and I was running the AC. Today it is 40 and the heat is back on. It's no wonder my sinuses suck!

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Resolutions 2009

I am not really one for resolutions so I don't know that these are really resolutions. They are more goals although they aren't really measurable. I am just going to do everything with in my power to make 2009 great. So here you go:

1. I am going to take better care of myself. This included mentally, emotionally, and physically. That means eating better and exercising more. That means not getting into relationships that are bad for me both with guys and with friends. That means focusing on the positive and not letting myself get lost in my loneliness.

2. I am going to be fiscally more responsible. It took me a while to get used to have a single source of income again. In my mind I was still as comfortable financially as I was when I was married so I spent more than I should have. I am going to stick to a tighter budget this year and I am even looking into taking on a secondary tax prep job during tax season.

I think these are fairly reasonable goals to accomplish. I am not sure how I will be able to judge my progress but I will know. I am entering this year without the same issues and entanglements I had at the beginning of 2008. As selfish as it sounds, its all about me now. I can't wait to see what 2009 has in store.