Monday, July 27, 2009

Building the Wall

I have spent most of my life thinking I was a pretty open person. I have even been told that I am "an open book." But something happened recently that made me realize that I am not as open as I once was. I was at a party for the 4th of July with a friend from work and her boyfriend when I noticed one of the guys at the party. I thought he was attractive, and was hoping there would be a chance for some interest there. And that's when the crazy thing happened. As soon as the guy started to flirt with me, I shut down. I didn't want anything to do with him anymore. I made my friend take me home. The next day I tried to figure out what made me react that way. It didn't have anything to do with Mr. Past who still hasn't made an effort to contact me. That I am over and only want to talk to him to have the opportunity to tell him so. It was all about me and my fear of getting close and getting hurt again. I also realized I had been doing this for months. Every time a guy from one of the dating sites would show enough interest to move past casual emails, I would flake and find some reason not to like the guy and discontinue contact. That is why I deleted all my profiles. It wasn't worth the money to not meet anyone I actually wanted to meet. I realize I have to open to idea that I might get hurt again in order to find someone to love me. I am just so scared that my heart won't be able to handle being rejected again.