Sunday, May 13, 2007

Mother’s Day

I am pretty sure I have mentioned on here before that I have no desire to be a mother. I am not going to say that those feelings have changed but I will say I am starting to feeling guilty about it. I am fortunate that I married a man who feels the same way about children that I do. I still can’t help but wonder what is wrong with me that I am not genetically predisposed to the “Mommy Gene”. Being in a military town only makes matters worse. Women try to fit pregnancies in between deployments so that means there are a ton of pregnant women around within the few months following the return of one of the installation’s major units. A perfect example of that is the fact that I was out shopping for baby gifts for three women in my Sunday School class today. Now our class runs about 20 people on an average Sunday. We are not talking a huge number. Not to mention the two showers I have been to already this year for other women in the class. And that is just at church. That doesn’t even count the wives that are associated with Shawn’s unit or the ladies at work.

Of course church today was focused on mothers. The pastor recognized all the mothers in the congregation and I couldn’t help but wonder if I would ever want to join that club. I agree with what the pastor said about children being a gift from God but I just don’t know if I can do it. I see these women deal with the military lifestyle and raise children primarily on their own and I don’t think I could handle it. I could hardly handle a puppy by myself the last time Shawn was gone. Could I really take care of a baby by myself? My husband frequently tells me that he married me because I had the strength it would take to be a military spouse. However, I believe that having a child to deal with on top of everything else would push the limits of my strength. It is hard enough to take care of myself and go it alone. I can’t imagine having to take care of someone else who can’t take care of themselves during a deployment. So then, why do I feel so selfish for feeling the way I do about having children?

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