Empty

It has been a stressful week already and it is only Tuesday. The packers came yesterday and packed Shawn’s stuff. Here I was in my house with three strange women telling them what was going and what was staying. And I just sat on the couch and wanted to cry. I can’t even explain how I felt. I just feel like I am being cheated out of the opportunity to be upset about all this. Everything is happening so fast. The divorce will be final in a few weeks. I start a new job next week. I even went on a date this past weekend. I am still trying to figure out how this became my life. Today was even worse. The movers came and loaded everything. Now my house is half empty. It was strange to open his closet and nothing be there. I am just trying to keep myself busy right now so I don’t stop long enough to process what is really going on. I went shopping after everyone left and bought new furniture for my house. Usually shopping makes me feel better but not today. I went to 4 different stores after I left the furniture store and I really didn’t want to be there. Part of me wants to be angry and throw things. Part of me wants to be sad. The whole of me just wants someone to hold me. So far I haven’t been able to give into any of it. I can’t cry. I can’t be angry at anyone but myself. I think I am just tired of being strong and need to be sad and scared a little bit.