Sunday, October 26, 2008

Some Things Never Change

Here I am sitting at the kitchen table in the spot that was once Vincent's seat until he moved out for college,the seat that I took it over in his absence only to relinquish it when her would return, waiting for the water to boil so I can fix a cup of hot tea for myself and my mom and I realize that some things never change. The strawberries are still on the wall paper and the wood paneling still covers a portion of the breakfast nook and all of the den. I know where to find the mugs and tea bags without asking. This is my home and that idea feels great. This house that I grew up in, with the exception of a few furniture purchases and some appliance upgrades, looks exactly the same as the day I came home from the Mobile Infirmary 31 years ago. Last year when I was going through the early stages of my divorce, being here was comforting, an unchanged island among the ocean of change going on around me. It was sitting at this table that I found the job I currently have online and decided to apply for it. And that was the catalyst for all the change that has taken place in my life in the last year. As I pour the water into my cup, I think about my house in Texas and everything I have there and I wish I had one of my mugs because they are bigger and I am thankful that some things do change.

I was excited when my boss presented the idea of traveling to Alabama for training and for me to head out a few days early to see Mom and Dad. I hadn't been home since my Mardi Gras ball in January and even then I had J with me so I didn't get to spend a lot time with my family. Mom and I started making plans of the places we could and visit while I was here. All spots that I love and haven't been able to visit much since moving to Texas. And then a thought hit me...the church. Momma and Daddy wanted me to go to church with them. Now that shouldn't be a big deal. After all I attend church regularly in Austin. But this church was different. This was the church I grew up in, the church I was married in, the church I hadn't stepped foot in in more than 3 years. The idea filled me with a dread that I couldn't explain. So I addressed it with one of my buddies at work (Sandeep, my male-speak translator, and that is another post for another time) and he instantly understood my concern. There would be people there who had been at my wedding or knew I had been married who hadn't seen me since the divorce. The last thing I want a year later is people feeling sorry for me for something that I have put behind and moved on from. My life is different and better now. I don't want anyone apologizing to me for what I view as a good thing.

Now the last year hasn't been all good. I have had some hard times and some lonely moments. I have had days where I felt like being divorced was the worst thing in the world. In two weeks, I get to deal with two days that could really get to me. One is the first anniversary of my divorce being finalized. Two days later I get to celebrate what would have been my 5th anniversary. I have decided to live it up in high style. I am going to sell my engagement ring that day. I don't want it anymore and the money will be beneficial to me. So I think it is a fitting way to celebrate. A way to close the door of the last year and truly move forward to the excitement of my new life. While I am glad that some things never change, I am truly grateful that some things do.

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