Sunday, November 30, 2008

The Song Remains the Same

Even though I have had my fill of family recently and they have the tendency to drive me crazy, I was feeling a tad meloncholy on Friday after Momma, Daddy, and Carol left. Some how when I am in these moods, music always speaks to me. It touches something inside me and relates in a way nothing else can. The right song at the right moment can totally lift my spirits. This was definitely the case on Friday. I had three songs come up that fit the bill and fixed my mood.

The first song wasn't so much the song as the title. A song called "Still Haunted". I have never heard it. I don't know who it is by but the title said everything. In so many ways I am still haunted. Haunted by the memories of J. We met this time last year and my mind is constantly flooded with memories of our time together. There isn't a longing associated with these memories anymore. More a nostalgia. A thought to how much things have changed for me in the past year. I am also haunted by thoughts of Wally. I want answers from him. I want to know why he disappeared. I don't think I could have done anything differently with him. He wasn't ready and I know that wasn't my fault. Still it bothers me when others try to place the blame on me because I must have done or said something wrong. I know I will never get the answers I want from him but that doesn't change the fact that I want them.

The second song was "Brand New Day" by Joshua Radin. I love him and I totally love this song. There is a line in the song that says, "It's a brand new day. For the first time in such a long, long time, I know I'll be OK." That line couldn't have said it any better. I realized in my session with Dena on Tuesday that I am really to this point now. I'm OK with everything. I'm OK with being single. I'm OK with being divorced. I have a pretty good life. I can't complain. I am happier than I was when I was married. I am happy with just being me and doing things for me. It's a great feeling. Dena described me as being comfortable in my own skin and said it was great to see me that and that is exactly how I feel.

In order to shake my melancoly, I decided to fight the Black Friday crowds and run some errands. I ended up at the Domain, a high end shopping center near my office, just to walk around and be out of the house. And there it was, wafting through the air, "The Waltz of the Flowers" from the Nutcracker. That did it right there. My spirits lifted and the Christmas mood hit. I couldn't wait to get home and get the decorations out. I have tickets to see the Nutcracker in a few weeks and I can't wait. Last year I couldn't get in the Christmas mood. I guess it was the idea of being alone again and facing the holidays alone. This year I am excited about all the Christmas events I can and will attend. I love this time of year. I love the atmosphere in the air and the feeling that all is right with the world.

So there I stand...optimistic about what is to come and no longer sad about what has gone. It's a good place to be. I feel confident about what the new year holds for me. I just can't wait for it to unfold.

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