Monday, February 23, 2009

The Single Life

I have been thinking a lot about my life and what I want out of my next relationship recently. I look around at everything I have and have accomplished since my divorce and I have to say that I am quite proud of myself. I have come so much further than I ever would have imagined I could on my own. I love my house. I like my life for the most part (we all have our moments) and work is good. I have often questioned how I handle everything if I found the one tomorrow. Where would we live? Whose furniture would we use? Would I be willing to share my closet? How would Maverick react to a new human in his life? I know these aren't questions I have to answer right away but they are thoughts that I have. Life isn't like it was when I was getting married the first time. I was at a point where I was willing to give up everything to be with the man I thought I loved. I am not so sure I would be as willing now. The truth is I still believe I found the one for me but for whatever reason it wasn't meant to be. I was fully prepared to spend my life with J and make the compromises necessary for that life to happen. So I can't figure out why I am not so sure anymore. Is it because I haven't found the one (or at least he isn't on the horizon yet) or is it that I have changed so much that my priorities are different? I'm not sure. The more I think about it the more I know I am scared of making the same mistake over again and marrying a man for the wrong reasons. I just want to be sure this time. Which leads me to another thought...Wally would have been a mistake. I truly enjoy his company and believe he is someone I could be great friends with. However, I think my desire to have someone got in the way of that realization. There are too many things about him that I am not comfortable with and that only leaves me realizing that I didn't want it to end more because I didn't want to be rejected again rather than believing he was the right person for me. I have a strong desire to feel wanted because of the lack of feeling that in my marriage. I tend to freak when I don't feel that way even if the person is all wrong for me. So there is my self-reflection for the time being. Believe it or not, I am actually pretty happy with the way things are right now. I am enjoying that I am getting to live life for me for a little while. That doesn't mean I don't look forward to sharing it with someone else soon though.


CraftyHope said...

I have to let you in on a little secret - I'm jealous of you.
I've never had the chance to live on my own and just explore my likes and dislikes, create my own style, and discover myself.
I went straight from college to living with some friends to living with Pat. I never had the chance to have my own space. Enjoy it! Relish in it. Know that you are getting to learn who YOU are, and not who you are with others. It's a gift - really!

MavsMom said...

I am surprised that anyone would be jealous of me but I can understand your point. I am enjoying it and I know this time is good for me. Doesn't mean it doesn't get lonely though.

Susangalique said...

like hope, I have never really lived on my own either