Lonely Hearts Club

I was searching for an email in my sent items folder at work today when I came across something that caught me off guard: tons of emails between myself and J that basically chronicled our entire relationship. It reminded me of how we use to write back and forth all day sharing the mundane details of our day or trying to decide what our dinner plans were for the evening. There were also the emails from the stupid fight over the baby gate which led to J ceasing all contact with me. It was all there much to my surprise since I thought I deleted those emails 9 months ago as part of the process to try to move on and purge J from my life, my mind, and my heart. And there I sat, reading all of them. Soaking up every word. Remembering every detail. Reminiscing about how happy I had been and how happy we were and how confused I still am about why it all ended. Realizing more and more that I am still heartbroken and still in love with a man who doesn’t want me to be part of his life.

I have never been through a breakup before that was as hard or as painful as this one. The mere thought of him still brings me to my knees. I believed when he said he need time to process his feelings over his divorce. Imagine my surprise when he was in a relationship again a mere 4 months after our breakup. I should have expected that though because J is a serial monogamist. I was, after all, the 3 person he had dated in the 6 months between his separation and divorce. Still it rocked me to the core to know he had moved on so quickly when, a year later, I can still barely get through a day without thinking about him. Was I that easy to forget? Had I not meant as much to him as he had meant to me? I can’t imagine how I would react if I knew he was engaged or worse, married. Yet, I wonder if he ever thinks about me or misses me. Is it possible that there is still a place for us in this world and that the timing was just bad? A girl can dream. I still hope for my movie moment and long for the opportunity to feel what I once felt again. But for now all I can do is try to move on and try to pretend it doesn’t hurt anymore because the reality is that he isn’t there anymore and all I have is some old emails hidden away in my sent items folder at work.