Wednesday, August 1, 2012

35

I turned 35 on the 11th. That in and of itself may not seem like a big deal. However, 35 has always been a cut off for me. A line in the sand if you will that said my childbearing days were through. My mom had me 2 before she turned 36 and had her tubes tied during the c-section. I'm pretty sure that's where my magic number came from. 35 and it's time to stop.

Chris and I talked about children a lot when we were dating. At first, we were both on the fence. He wasn't sure he wanted more kids and I wasn't sure I wanted any at all. I told him I would know if I was supposed to be a mother if I had a baby before I turned 35. If I wasn't pregnant by then, I wasn't supposed to have kids of my own. Jackson was born 9 days after I turned 34.

All while I was pregnant, we talked about the next baby. I enjoyed being pregnant for the most part so the idea of having another baby wasn't a crazy one. But then the delivery was so rough that I wasn't sure I wanted to go through it all again even knowing I wouldn't be put through the same thing again. There would be no induction. Just straight to a c. So I decided to give myself a year. A year to recover and raise my baby.

Well, that year has come and gone and we are no closer to deciding to have another child. There are so many reasons not to. Money is tight which would make affording another child tough. We don't have enough room in our house for another person and all its stuff. Those are just the practical reasons.

But then there are these other reasons. Do I want to share my love for Jackson with another child? If I had a girl, would I show more affection to her than to my boy? I know that sounds crazy but those are the thoughts I have. I really believe I couldn't love another baby the way I love Jackson. In reality, I know that wouldn't be the case but I struggle with that idea. And never would I want to feel like I was slighting Jackson in any way because we brought another baby into our lives. It would devastate me to think he might feel less loved or like he had to share me.

And then there is the fear. What if I can't get pregnant again or if we struggle unlike the last time we tried? What if something happened to the baby or if something was wrong with it? How would we handle that? As I get older, I know I would face a higher risk of complications. It almost doesn't seem worth putting my body through that.

So it is with a sad and heavy heart I say that we are going to be one and done. No more Short babies. Just the 4 of us and Mav. We haven't taken any permanent measures yet but we will start planning for them soon. I know I am always going to wonder what would have been if we had tried again. But I will have to be satisfied knowing that I have one perfect, happy, healthy baby boy and that is enough to make my life fulfilled.

4 comments:

aubieangel said...

I wonder if we all feel that way. I still can't decide if I want to have a kid ever. Such a struggle. If you're happy where you are, and you're both on board with no more babies... well, good for you! I bet it feels like a weight has been lifted now that a decision has been reached.

Jessica said...

We're on the fence about a third and it's getting exhausting to not know. Am I done? Am I not? Congratulations on moving on! I kind of want to do that myself.

PinkieBling said...

We probably won't even start trying until I'm 36. Yikes!

Elsha said...

35 is my "I'm done" age too. I feel like however many we have at that point is going to be it.