Letters to Mom #1

 8 years since I have touched this blog.  But I need this space now to express my grief.  I don't care if anyone ever reads this.  It is for me.

Dear Momma,

22 days. That is how long it has been since you breathed your last breath. 22 days. 3 weeks and 1 day. Not a long time but forever ago as well.  Vince and I were there. I hope you knew we were there and that you weren't alone. We didn't realize what was happening in the moment. Everything just happened so fast. And it was so quiet. We sat with you for awhile after and waited for Daddy to come. I didn't want to leave that room because I knew how final it would be.

So much has happened since then.  So much I have wanted to tell you.  So many times I wanted to pick up the phone and call.  But I can't. You won't answer. I won't ever hear your voice again. People tell me that you know what is going on. That you can see it as it happens. I hope so but I need to make sure you know.

Here is what has happened since you have been gone:

• Jackson's team has won two and lost one lacrosse game. He has two more games on this season. We signed him up for a summer tournament team. I think it will be good for him to keep playing.
• The Hopewell Symphonic Band got straight 1s at UIL competition. Mr. Torres cried. I was so proud and so excited for them. They sounded so good and knocked sightreading out of the park. It was impressive. I wanted to call and tell you because I knew how proud you would be.
• We celebrated Easter with Chris's family. It was a nice day.
• We went to Waco to see Baylor's lacrosse team play. I think Jackson wants to go to Baylor now. He still loves Alabama but Baylor is closer to home. We have 5 years to figure that one out though.
• Patrick turned 9 yesterday. His party is this weekend.
• So many people brought by food. The Judson ladies, Bruce's family, Candy, Mrs. Frances. I hope they are still taking care of Daddy now that we are all gone.
• The funeral was beautiful. Exactly what you wanted. Thank you for all your details. It was so helpful at a time that I don't know if we could have figured it out ourselves. So many people were there and it was the most gorgeous day.
• I wrote your obituary. That was hard and made me realize there was so much more about you I didn't know. I am sure I left out important things in your life. You were more than just our mom. 

I think that is all the big stuff for now. I am just sad, Mom. I miss you. I miss being able to tell you what is going on. I feel like we barely talked the last few months you were here. You were so sick and I don't think we realized it. I wasn't prepared for this to happen and yet I knew at Christmas that would be our last one together. I am so grateful that we had that time before everything went down hill. There is so much that I feel like I should have said. That I should have made sure you knew. So for now. I will tell you.  Here. When I need to.  To make sure you know.

Love always,

Julie