Letters to Mom #1

 8 years since I have touched this blog.  But I need this space now to express my grief.  I don't care if anyone ever reads this.  It is for me.

Dear Momma,

22 days. That is how long it has been since you breathed your last breath. 22 days. 3 weeks and 1 day. Not a long time but forever ago as well.  Vince and I were there. I hope you knew we were there and that you weren't alone. We didn't realize what was happening in the moment. Everything just happened so fast. And it was so quiet. We sat with you for awhile after and waited for Daddy to come. I didn't want to leave that room because I knew how final it would be.

So much has happened since then.  So much I have wanted to tell you.  So many times I wanted to pick up the phone and call.  But I can't. You won't answer. I won't ever hear your voice again. People tell me that you know what is going on. That you can see it as it happens. I hope so but I need to make sure you know.

Here is what has happened since you have been gone:

  • Jackson's team has won two and lost one lacrosse game. He has two more games on this season. We signed him up for a summer tournament team. I think it will be good for him to keep playing.
  • The Hopewell Symphonic Band got straight 1s at UIL competition. Mr. Torres cried. I was so proud and so excited for them. They sounded so good and knocked sightreading out of the park. It was impressive. I wanted to call and tell you because I knew how proud you would be.
  • We celebrated Easter with Chris's family. It was a nice day.
  • We went to Waco to see Baylor's lacrosse team play. I think Jackson wants to go to Baylor now. He still loves Alabama but Baylor is closer to home. We have 5 years to figure that one out though.
  • Patrick turned 9 yesterday. His party is this weekend.
  • So many people brought by food. The Judson ladies, Bruce's family, Candy, Mrs. Frances. I hope they are still taking care of Daddy now that we are all gone.
  • The funeral was beautiful. Exactly what you wanted. Thank you for all your details. It was so helpful at a time that I don't know if we could have figured it out ourselves. So many people were there and it was the most gorgeous day.
  • I wrote your obituary. That was hard and made me realize there was so much more about you I didn't know. I am sure I left out important things in your life. You were more than just our mom. 
I think that is all the big stuff for now. I am just sad, Mom. I miss you. I miss being able to tell you what is going on. I feel like we barely talked the last few months you were here. You were so sick and I don't think we realized it. I wasn't prepared for this to happen and yet I knew at Christmas that would be our last one together. I am so grateful that we had that time before everything went down hill. There is so much that I feel like I should have said. That I should have made sure you knew. So for now. I will tell you.  Here. When I need to.  To make sure you know.

Love always,
Julie

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

13 Things to Know Before You Meet Me

So, The Blathering is this weekend and 50 fabulous ladies are going to be converging on my city to take it by storm for 3 days.  I am terrified and excited all at the same time.  I do not know any of these women in real life and most of them I have only meet over the internet in the last couple of months as the attendee information has been posted.  Several have shared 13 things to know about me so I figured I would jump on the bandwagon as well.  Here it goes: I live in Round Rock and work in Austin.  However, I have only lived here for 4 years so I still have no idea where anything is.  I rely on my GPS for that reason.  Please don't laugh at me for this. But I am willing and able to drive around those who need transportation this weekend.  For the same reason listed above, I also have no idea what is really fun to do in Austin.  There are still a lot of tourist-y things I want to do like tour the Capitol and see the bats fly from the ...
Read more

Random Thoughts and Observations

I am extremely easily annoyed these days.  It doesn't take much to get under my skin which makes me an unpleasant person to be around.  Knowing this, I've been keeping to myself a lot so I don't just completely go off on someone. I am also more emotional.  I almost cried in a meeting this week when one of the PMs welcomed me back to the office and commented that I looked thrilled to be there.  The comment didn't bother me because it was true.  It just re-emphasized how much I want to be home with Jackson.  And then I did it again the next day driving to work just because I really didn't want to go. The daycare situation is really stressing me out.  We have just over 2 weeks to find someone to watch Jackson while Chris and I are at work since our perfect in-home daycare fell through last week.  I am really not happy about this.  I never wanted to put my kids in daycare but I have no other options.  Nor do I have any idea how we are go...
Read more

Why I Hate Dating

I was not a fan of dating before I got married so you can imagine that I am even less of a fan of dating now that I have divorced to add to my status. I never had much luck in the relationship world and being that I am still new to the Austin area, I have found it hard to meet people. So I have been trying the world of online dating via such websites as Match.com, Yahoo Personals, and eHarmony . Granted while I have had some luck in the form of J and James, the majority of my matches have been misses and it has been months since I have had a real connection with any of the guys I have been matched with. I received an email last week that is a prime example of why I hate dating again. Here is that email, word for word, with only personal information removed: your cute and you sound like a very sweet girl, but please dont take me to a musical, lol . im rob, i work graveyard so i dont wake up till like 3 or 4 in the evenings. and i try to be in bed before the sun rises. hit me up...
Read more