Just Say Julie

I love Christmas! It is my favorite time of the year. There is just something in the air that makes Christmas wonderful to me. I love the lights and the music and the traditions. I don't know why I love it so much because I am exhausted with all the activities this time of year but I do. That being said, I haven't put up a Christmas tree in 4 years since I moved from Alabama to Texas. The first year Shawn was deployed and I was going home so I didn't see the point. The next year Shawn didn't want to fool with it. The next year I had just moved to my apartment in Austin and there was literally no room for a tree. Last year I just didn't get around to it. So this year I thought I would have some fun with Kiddo and the Sheriff and put up my tree. I didn't realize what a trying experience that was going to be. I thought I had thoroughly cleaned the ornament boxes of all the "married" Christmas items. I was wrong. First thing out of the box wa...

I got a call from my mom yesterday to check and see if I was doing OK. I wasn't quite sure why she was asking and then I realized she had gotten the days wrong in a way. Friday was the two year anniversary of my divorce being finalized while today would have been my 6th wedding anniversary. So her asking on the day in between the two wasn't entirely off. Truth is I am fine. I have been fine with it for a long time. These dates don't bother me anymore. They are just any other day in my life that just so happened to be the same day that something significant happened in the past. But the past is the past and my life has been all about moving on since then. In some ways this year is a little different than last year in that I know Shawn is getting married again. And while that is a little weird, it doesn't bother me as much as I thought it would. It just really solidifies what I knew all along which was that he married me because it was time to get married not b...

I am lost in thought today. I have spent the last two weeks getting to know someone new and, for the first time, getting the same back in return. He actually wants to get to know me, the real me, not the facade I put up when I want to be accepted. He read this entire blog. He listened to me pour my heart out about everything that has happened over the last few years. We have talked about marriage and divorce and what we want from each other. He used the phrase "uncertain comfort" last night and knew exactly what he meant. I am comfortable with him. I feel like we get each other in a way no one has before. I even told him he was the male equivalent of me. But it has been 2 weeks and the realistic side of me tells me there is no way this could be real. Not yet at least. Am I being cynical? I have been hurt before by people who led me to believe they got me. But for once, it all feels true. I don't see empty promises. Only raw honesty. My heart aches when I ...

As should come to no surprise to anyone, I never did get the phone call for drinks on Tuesday and that was perfectly fine with me. I didn't expect him to actually follow through with the plans especially since he was never good at that in the first place. The only disappointment I have is not being able to tell him to leave me alone. However, it will be easy for me to get rid of him the next time he tries to contact me. You see, dear readers, I have finally met someone who might actually be worth it. I am breaking so many of the unwritten rules I had set for myself but it's OK. Truth is I have tried to write about this 3 times now and I don't know how to put down what I am thinking and feeling at this moment. I think I am almost afraid to put it out there for fear that posting it will suddenly make it untrue. I just know it is different and I am happy, really happy, for the first time in a long time. I can't wait to see what will happen next.

Why is it that there are some people in your life who never leave when you want them to and some that never stay? A certain person from my past has reappeared after months of no contact. I finally thought I was rid of him without having to give him the Go to Hell speech I had prepared. But no, Saturday night while I was enjoying Alabama's win over South Carolina that name popped up on a text message. All I wanted to say was what do you want and why won't you leave me alone. Instead I agreed to a drink on Tuesday night. I don't know why. I don't having any feelings for this guy anymore. I think it has to do with the loneliness and lack of romantic interest in recent months. The thing is this guy is bad for me for so many reasons and I have no desire to go back there. He makes me feel so worthless and bad about myself and I have been through this same song and dance with him too many times before. Why would I consider going back for more? The truth is that I a...

In the Harry Potter movies, Harry has a cloak that belonged to his father that allows him to be invisible. At some point in time in my marriage, I think I unintentionally donned an invisibility cloak. I believe I did certain things to make my husband notice me only to still feel ignored. This is an issue I continue to struggle with in my (nonexistent) dating. The crazy thing is I only realized it recently. I knew that one of the issues with my ex was the lack of attention I felt I was getting from him. What I didn't realize is that I am still starving for that attention. I had thought about it a lot but I hadn't really faced it dead on until a couple of weeks ago when I poured my heart out to my hairdresser. (How is it we can talk to people we barely know about things like this but not to our closest friends?) I haven't been on a date in a year and I know the reason is because I can't take anymore disappointment in that area my life. I use the excuse that I am...

There are a lot of changes going on in Maverickville. First of I got a new job. Now before you get all excited let me tell you that I am only marginally happy with said new job. Shortly after turning in my notice at my old job, I had one of those pit of the stomach feelings of dread about making the change. I am not one who ignores these types of feelings so I promptly spoke with my boss only to find out that I was doing my company a favor by leaving because upcoming money issues could potentially mean a layoff. So there I was stuck with the decision I had made to take a job that I questioned even taking in the first place. While I realize I should be grateful these days that I was given an opportunity to move to a new position, I am very overwhelmed and concerned after my first week that my premonition was correct. We shall see how this turns out but so far I am not liking it. Secondly, I start back to school next week. I have mentioned before my quest to become a CPA and I ha...

I have spent most of my life thinking I was a pretty open person. I have even been told that I am "an open book." But something happened recently that made me realize that I am not as open as I once was. I was at a party for the 4th of July with a friend from work and her boyfriend when I noticed one of the guys at the party. I thought he was attractive, and was hoping there would be a chance for some interest there. And that's when the crazy thing happened. As soon as the guy started to flirt with me, I shut down. I didn't want anything to do with him anymore. I made my friend take me home. The next day I tried to figure out what made me react that way. It didn't have anything to do with Mr. Past who still hasn't made an effort to contact me. That I am over and only want to talk to him to have the opportunity to tell him so. It was all about me and my fear of getting close and getting hurt again. I also realized I had been doing this for months. ...

I have been thinking a lot recently about what I want out of a relationship. This train of thought started a couple of months ago when someone from my past reappeared in my life with promises of a future. I began to question whether or not I wanted that person back in my life. The main question I could not (and still can't) answer was whether or not that person could be and do the things I want in a relationship. I started to realize that the only way to truly know the answer to that question was to figure out what exactly I am looking for. So here, dear readers, is a list of my criteria for achieving the ideal relationship: 1. Mostly importantly the person needs to be emotionally ready and opened to the idea of a relationship. That means no recent or pending divorces or breakups. 2. The person needs to be willing to provide me with an adequate amount of attention. This could include phone calls, text messages, emails, instant messages or even Facebook posts. Anythi...

After several crazy weeks of proposals at work, I was finally able to make my escape from the office and from Austin to head to the beach for a couple of days. Jenny and I left Friday morning for Port Aransas after I dropped Maverick off at Doggy Day Out for the weekend. Four hours later, we were sitting in Virginia's by the Bay eating fresh seafood and looking out over the water. That night we took a stroll on the beach and then relaxed in the condo until bedtime. After sleeping in Saturday morning, we loaded up our stuff and head to the beach from some fun in the sun. Here is my view from Saturday morning: So we enjoyed the sun, sand and water for a couple of hours before I realized that I was turning pink and it was time to head in. More relaxing in the condo and another late afternoon walk on the beach rounded out the day. Sunday morning meant checking out of the condo to head back home. At that point the last thing I wanted to do was drive back to Austin, so we decided...

I hope everyone is enjoying the new look of Just Say Julie. If you would like a cute and fun background, you should check out The Cutest Blog on the Block . They have tons of cute, free layouts that work perfectly with blogger. I had a hard time chosing one and I suspect I will change them out to spice things up a bit.

I have avoided talking about this topic too much because I was surprised at how much it effected me. My brother called on Good Friday to tell me the news that he had been crossleveled into another National Guard unit that was deploying this summer. I was shocked. I immediately hung up the phone and cried. Shortly after that, I left work to go shopping hoping that would make me feel better. It didn't work. I spent the rest of the weekend feeling like I was in a bubble watching everything go on around me and I wasn't really apart of it. It was hard to process what was about to happen and I didn't fully understand why I was so upset. I had seen Clay deploy twice before under much worse conditions than what he will be going into this time. I had also seen Shawn leave twice. But for some reason, it was always harder for me to see my brother leave than it was to see my husband leave. I have commented before on how far removed my life is now from the military lifestyle...

I am having one of those days where my heart hurts. That's about the only way I know to describe it. I am sad. I am not looking for pity, just want to release some feelings. I miss my mom. I miss being home. As much as I love Austin, there are days when I just want to be around my family. I think the fact that Clay is leaving for Iraq again this summer is making it a little harder. He is my link to home here in Texas and with him gone, I will be missing that. There is also the fact that Mother's Day also makes me wonder if I will ever be a mother. I never was certain that I wanted to be a mother. I'm still not but the fact that it might not be an option for me upsets me. I think the biggest thing is that I want the option to still be there and for me to decide if it will happen or not. But as I get older which no real prospects of a serious relationship on the horizon, the more that option seems to be slipping away from me. I know I wouldn't want to have a ...

My failed attempts at online dating are quickly coming to a close. I decided after a very rude message from a guy from Plenty of Fish that enough was enough. I cancelled all my accounts. Eharmony will remain active until my current payment expires in June. I have been playing this game for nearly two years now and I am done. I have tried Match, Chemistry, Yahoo Personals, OK Cupid, Plenty of Fish, Christian Dating for Free, the Austin Chronicle Personals, and eHarmony at some point in time over the last 20 months. I have only had one relationship that last more than a month from the selection of people I met through these sites. I think some of the issue is my own insecurities while some of it is the way we come across online which leads me to the topic of this post. I realize that the intent of sites like eHarmony is to match you with someone you would be compatible with personality wise. They try to take looks out of the equation. But let's be honest. While a good person...

I have learned a few things in my latest attempt at the online dating world. I decided to check out Plenty of Fish after hearing some others talk about the site. And much like my last experience with a free dating site, I found that the quality of men was not the greatest. My biggest lesson learned in this process would be the many things a man can do to turn me off. Here are a few examples: Spend our entire first telephone conversation talking about how much pot you like to smoke. Call me at 2:30 in the morning because I haven't returned your text from the previous day. Tell me you are no longer interested because I was on the phone with my mother when you called and it was too late to return your call. Become extremely clingy after a couple of instant messenger chats. Post comments referencing me in Facebook quizzes when we haven't even met. Needless to say, I canceled my Plenty of Fish membership a week after I setup the profile.

Because I just think they are too funny not to share, I have a couple more quotes from my online dating emails that are worth the laugh. "im looking for a good hearted woman i can get to know i am a nice easy going guy that does landscaping for a living if you are interested just send a reply back" Yet again a grown man who cannot use puncuation.  The only thing I would seriously be interested in would be the landscaping work.  I need the bushes in my front yard replaced. "How are you doing today? You are amazingly attractive. You must drive all the guys on here crazy. Check out my profile and let me know if you might consider getting together and fooling around..." Wow, he thinks I am attractive.  Great!  He was hot but...um...NO! I do not want to get together and fool around.  If I was just looking to fool around, I would go to the closest bar and get drunk. 

The online dating community exists to create harmonious matches that will hopefully lead to marriage. This has not been my experience. However, it has been a great source of amusement and entertainment for me. So today I am sharing with you some of the gems I have received recently. Also, revisit this gem from my past for a good laugh. good eving how are you my names trony im 27 about to be 28 never married or had abny kids im intersted in getting to know more about you and starting from friends i like the out doors things like that playing pool i work fulltime as wrecker driver in n austin i love my job helping people in trouble any how if yopu would like to talk drop me aline I am so glad that trony decided to get in touch with me and show me not only his inability to spell but also to form a sentence and use punctuation. So supposedly, whatever criteria go into matching people up on this site thinks that I like ugly people...so I'm going through all these pics of uglies and I...

A couple of my friends have posted lists of beauty products they love on their blogs. I wanted to do the same only I couldn't come up with a top 10 list because when it comes down to it there just aren't a lot of products I am passionate about. To be honest, I didn't expect this to be so hard for me because I love beauty products. I know I spend a small fortune each year on cleansers, creams, and makeup but it is because I am constantly on the search for what is going to work best for me. I am still searching for the perfect foundation that provides just the right amount of coverage and lasts throughout a day at work and the perfect cleanser to help my 30-something breakouts. I am not great about sticking to a routine either. It is no big deal for me to go to bed without washing my face and I rarely if ever use moisturizer or eye cream. So on that note I am going to post my 5 most loved products (in no particular order) and ask (no, beg) for more suggestions on products to ...

I was searching for an email in my sent items folder at work today when I came across something that caught me off guard: tons of emails between myself and J that basically chronicled our entire relationship. It reminded me of how we use to write back and forth all day sharing the mundane details of our day or trying to decide what our dinner plans were for the evening. There were also the emails from the stupid fight over the baby gate which led to J ceasing all contact with me. It was all there much to my surprise since I thought I deleted those emails 9 months ago as part of the process to try to move on and purge J from my life, my mind, and my heart. And there I sat, reading all of them. Soaking up every word. Remembering every detail. Reminiscing about how happy I had been and how happy we were and how confused I still am about why it all ended. Realizing more and more that I am still heartbroken and still in love with a man who doesn’t want me to be part of his life. I have neve...

I have been thinking a lot about my life and what I want out of my next relationship recently. I look around at everything I have and have accomplished since my divorce and I have to say that I am quite proud of myself. I have come so much further than I ever would have imagined I could on my own. I love my house. I like my life for the most part (we all have our moments) and work is good. I have often questioned how I handle everything if I found the one tomorrow. Where would we live? Whose furniture would we use? Would I be willing to share my closet? How would Maverick react to a new human in his life? I know these aren't questions I have to answer right away but they are thoughts that I have. Life isn't like it was when I was getting married the first time. I was at a point where I was willing to give up everything to be with the man I thought I loved. I am not so sure I would be as willing now. The truth is I still believe I found the one for me but for whate...

I have never liked Valentine's Day. It has always been a reminder to me that I am unlucky in love because I am typically alone on this holiday for lovers. In high school, I would watch my friends walk around with balloons, teddy bears, and flowers from their boyfriends. My roommate and I actually sent flowers to ourselves on Valentine's Day my sophomore year because we wanted the other girls in the dorm to think we had actually gotten something. While I was married, I spent most of my Valentine's Days alone thanks to the Army. So now that I am divorced it is only worse because not only am I alone and reminded that I am unlucky in love but also I am reminded of my failures. Last year I was dumped right before Valentine's Day. This year there are no prospects on the horizon. Every time I open the newspaper or turn on the TV, I am greeted by ads for chocolates and gifts and flowers and reservations for dinner. What I wouldn't give to have someone surprise me ...

Some days you read something that just smacks you across the face and makes you wake up. My horoscope today is a great example. "You could reach creative heights today, but you'll need to channel your emotions in a positive direction, instead of allowing them to pull you into a swamp of complications. If you try to hold on to an old feeling or a worn-out habit, you'll only get bogged down in the mire. But if you are willing to let go of the past, then anything is possible. The choice is in your hands." I have recently reconnected with someone from my past and I am allowing all the old hurt to control my emotions. Instead of trying to relax and let things happen, I am trying to force it again. I need to stop. I need to just let it be. We enjoy each other's company so I need to appreciate that. There is no need for me to rush anything but it is my instinct for some reason. It doesn't help that I am really feeling sorry for myself right now. I am letting ...

Right before I met Wally this summer, he was lucky enough to go to China to help film a documentary on the Paralympics. His stories from the trip and of the people he met were fascinating and inspiring to me, making me want to learn more about the athletes who competed in the games. So when I saw the listing on NBC for their special on the games I recorded it to make sure I wouldn't miss any of it. The people featured are truly amazing and their families are also amazing and I couldn't help but soak up their stories. One story in particular spoke to me. It was the story of an 18 year old swimmer named Marin Morrison. Marin was diagnosed with brain cancer at the age of 15. Prior to that she was only seconds away from being able to qualify for the Olympic trials. Hearing her story and listening to her father talk about how grateful he was to still have her in his life brought me to tears. I decided to do some more research on this young lady and discovered her website . ...

I will not even pretend that I am a closet Bachelor fan. I love to watch the show. I soak up every second and make fun of the girls (and guys) every chance I get. I read the blogs. (Don't know what I am talking about, check out Lincee Ray and Chris Harrison .) I can't help it. So much of the show is so fake and staged you can't help but watch it like passing a car accident on the highway just to see what ABC will come up with next. However, there was a moment in the season premiere last week that actually hit a little too close to home for me. As you know, they always interview the girls who didn't receive a rose at the end of the night. One of the lovely ladies (and by lovely I mean drunk) was going on about about how she thought she had met the man of dreams (and all this after a few hours of hanging out with him and 24 of her "closest" female friends.) But then she spoke the words that made me sit up and take notice. "How am I supposed to believe ...

I don't have anything interesting to report but I do have a few random thoughts I thought I would share. - I love sitting on the couch on a Sunday morning with a cup of coffee reading the newspaper. - Sometimes my dog is so cute. When I open the plantation blinds in the living room, Maverick will put his paws on the window sill outside and look in at me. It is one of the most adorable things I have ever seen. - Sometimes my dog can be so annoying like when he tries to steal the blanket covering my legs. - Sandra Lee on the Food Network annoys me. The premise of her show, Semi-Homemade, is great but I can't watch it because I can't stand her. - I really wish I had someone to cook for. I love to cook and I am constantly finding great recipes I want to try. However, most of them are too much to fix for just me and require more effort than I want to make for a one person meal. - The weather in Texas kills me. Yesterday it was 80 degrees and I was running the AC. Today it...

I am not really one for resolutions so I don't know that these are really resolutions. They are more goals although they aren't really measurable. I am just going to do everything with in my power to make 2009 great. So here you go: 1. I am going to take better care of myself. This included mentally, emotionally, and physically. That means eating better and exercising more. That means not getting into relationships that are bad for me both with guys and with friends. That means focusing on the positive and not letting myself get lost in my loneliness. 2. I am going to be fiscally more responsible. It took me a while to get used to have a single source of income again. In my mind I was still as comfortable financially as I was when I was married so I spent more than I should have. I am going to stick to a tighter budget this year and I am even looking into taking on a secondary tax prep job during tax season. I think these are fairly reasonable goals to accomplish. I a...